Dear Murtaza,

you mentioned me in two of your recent posts, and considering the developments here, I feel like saying something.

I may sound arrogant, and rude sometimes, but i was never dishonest, that was a claim based on the image you bulild, pure projecting, a proof of my honesty is my replies to both peter and teak, by calling me those things, you made me re consider myself, (im i really that bad? Am i really dishonest? How?)

My impression is that you were rude and arrogant with me, but I ascribed it to a part of you, not the entirety of who you are. The rude and arrogant part is the protective part, who is there to protect you from pain. I’ve already explained it in my earlier posts. In one brief moment you showed an openness to learn more about healing (on page 8):

If you’d like to know some more, I’d be happy to answer.

yes more, without the need of therapy nor people, just me and as clear as you can be (meaning when you say accept anxiety, i want you to tell me what exactly do i say and do)

But very soon you abandoned the idea, saying you don’t have money for online therapy (and that there are no adequate therapists in Iraq – which I believe, specially since you had a bad experience with therapy in the past). When I mentioned quality online resources for free, e.g. videos of world-known expert in healing of trauma and addiction (dr. Gabor Mate), you stopped responding.

I also offered my help (which is of limited capacity, but still) here on the forum – if you were willing to share a bit more about your childhood. You never took the chance. All this told me that you’re not really interested in helping yourself get out of your present state. Basically, it means your protective part is very strong and you’re almost completely identified with it, and so the smidge of interest you’ve shown in therapy and healing was immediately squashed by it. I accepted it and indeed, silently withdrew.

What I can say however, is that I didn’t see you as manipulative or dishonest. You were the same all the time, rejecting all arguments, insisting you cannot or don’t want to change etc etc. You didn’t try to manipulate people on the forum, except that now, towards the end you said to anita that you might consider her argument if she gives you a good one. Which is not really true because there is no argument that can convince you to change your mind – to consider changing it one iota – at least for now.

The proof for that is that sometimes, when it suits you, you use science as a proof that you’re right, and in the very next breath you say you don’t trust science. That’s how you can dismiss any argument you don’t like, and fill up all potential “cracks” where you could be reached. The end result: your fortress is super strong and guarded from all sides.

So perhaps at the very end you were a little manipulative with anita, when you told her that if she presents a strong enough argument, you might consider it and even change – even though you knew there was nothing she could say to change your mind. But in general, taking the entire thread into consideration, I haven’t experienced you as manipulative or dishonest.

You did respond with nice words to anita, but I don’t think it was to manipulate her, but because she treated you kindly too. She expressed her love and appreciation for you, she said she doesn’t quite understand why she feels like she does, but she felt love for you.

You haven’t changed much throughout the course of the conversation, on page 11 you still claimed:

Here i am, no feelings, no desires, no goals, only consuming, like an animal, at least an animal doesn’t have awareness, the drugs has made me even more apathetic, more numb, i kinda like it, this is why i laugh at everything that happens to me, because its all just a big joke, all of this

But anita seems to have been hopeful that her love and affection might change you:

I don’t have any other answer that you will be open to consider: ever since you first posted last summer, your intention was never to consider my thoughts and suggestions (or anyone else’s). Never has it been your intention to be open to change your thinking (or to change other people’s thinking). Your intention with me was to get a bit of attention and affection. You manage to receive it, but my attention, affection and love really make no difference in your life, not practically, and not in any way that will make you less interested in dying.

You didn’t give her the reason to hope that you would change, but she still did hope, and then got disappointed. In my opinion, you haven’t mislead her or fool her – you were yourself all the way. Still unreachable, impenetrable, but true to your Protector. So I don’t see you as manipulative or dishonest.

Having said that, I am sorry you’re unreachable at the moment. I do sincerely hope that this will change for you, and that you will have the chance to live from your true self, which is imprisoned within the walls of that fortress.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Tee.