Dear anita

felt angry at  you yesterday, before posting to you last

I don’t want to communicate with Murtaza anymore, I will feel better if I am no longer in contact with him.

It amazes me how self aware you are, how you describe your feelings in details, to respone: i am sorry for responding late, your feelings are very valuable to me, you shared a very sensitive things, and for that thank you, for being that open, i think that if i was ever with a person like you and we had a relationship, it would be a very good one, i can’t think of a better one.

I was angry anyway, an automatic reaction

It is alright, i understand, you don’t even need to explain, if you ever did feel that again, i wouldn’t mind if you expressed it either, im imagining you getting angry at me, expressing it, it looks cute, its funny too, i don’t know why (no offense).

but in the rest of the apartment, it works, right..?

It seems that its not broken, but the electricity is just too low, each room has an individual AC, and its a house, when i went to Turkey, i was amazed on how they manged money, apartments have only the important things, no extra space, in iraq, there is so much waste, if its in the housing area, or the house itself, so much unneeded stuff.

It is more that I ask people questions, greet them warmly, pay attention to what they share over time and let them know that I remember, making them feel important, perhaps, and I express myself spontaneously as a response to what they say (facial expressions, smiling, saying witty things from time to time)

As i read this, your image in my head look so beautiful, so beautiful that it makes me a bit sad that we are so far away.

I hate expecting people to be consistent about anything, to be reliable, dependable because that’s not my experience with people

I understand, to me i expect the worse of them, but i keep my expectations as realistic as it can be, in our conversation, i expect that we continue, and we gonna stop someday, either i gonna say something wrong, or we just run out of subjects (there is no possibility in my head that you gonna say something wrong, because you are perfect :D)

as everyone else, the fortunate ones, free to live, while I was not. Later on, as I broke through that vacuum and connected with some others, eventually, I got to see that I was not the only one suffering

Yes i understand, its black and white, its more like degrees.

Coming to think about it, it is the imagining of the unrealistic and untruthful (eternal living without pain) that is dangerous, which brings so much pain

Very true, this is what happened to me with love, i had so much expectation for it, so much unrealistic thinking about it, it was quite a shock to know the truth, the ugly truth i call it, its ugly not because this is how it is, but because i thought that it was more beautiful then it actually is.

The glimpse of hope that their friendship is immortal is unrealistic thinking

My bad, by immortal i meant she will always remember him, remember thier friendship, it will die with her ofcourse (by immortal i meant that it will stay as long as she lives) but i used the wrong word for poetry effects, i do it quite often actually.

One true togetherness makes future togetherness possible because you already have that experience. You can believe something to happen again because it already happened.

Im afraid i didn’t understand that, im not that smart after all lol.

It is as if parts of yourself are right here, right above me, tangible, I can touch them, touch the paper if I stand up on a chair, touch the paper you touched, which you wrote on.

You shared a very personal part of yourself in here, especially with your feelings, i want to do the same, i want to tell you what i felt reading your post, i felt love for you, gulit for not doing what i can to go where you live and be around you, sadness, frustration, my thoughts is “i wish..” then i stop this thought, it angers me, i then blame myself, its all comes very fast, and its also automatic, this is embarrassing and dangerous, you could end the conversation here, i hope you don’t, in my defense, i just say that i don’t control my feelings, however i do control my actions, and in our conversation, i won’t project my feelings, or do any of that, i did felt this for a while now, and our conversation stayed the same.

and in so doing, I was to ruin a whole lot

I don’t think you can ruin this by only anger, i think that what i gave you, and what you gave me, can’t be ruined, at least in my opinion, if you felt angry at me and ended our conversation, i will understand, i won’t forget our conversation, how you liked me even when i said all those things, how nice and understanding you are, how i appreciate such person, even if he don’t wanna talk to me, im will be sad that this wonderful person chooseed to not talk to me.