Anita,

I took last week off work…to catch up on work, but also to relax some. I have been busy being social and it feels good, like I have my life back in a way.

To your question “what is it about being loved that scares you so much, what is the danger?” the first thing that I feel when looking at it is “I will eventually disappoint you, and you won’t love me anymore”.

I have continued to try to date and met an amazing woman. She is open, compassionate, doing meaningful work in the world, and beautiful to top it off…and it terrifies me. For a long time I think i have been making the excuse to myself that what i need and want in a partner just doesn’t exist, and now with it being right there in front of me i got lots of scared little boy feelings start popping up when i realized it. I’ve been very honest with her about my life, and my struggles, even the recent ones, and she didn’t run away or get angry with me (unlike my last girlfriend, a therapist, who said “i thought you were over being depressed?”). In fact she was also very upfront and vulnerable with me as well. We also discovered we have mutual friends.

I’ve been seeing her about 2 weeks now and we haven’t had sex, and i want it to stay that way for a while until i feel we have a safe and secure connection. It’s very strange to me because i haven’t watched porn in about 3 weeks and i’m not overly eager to have sex with her right now even though im sure it would be great. The connection feels real and genuine and its very scary to me because i think she’s too good for me, and im going to mess it up. At the same time i’m also starting to see my worth and attractiveness because of how I choose to live my life and part of me feels like someone like her also recognizes it.

I’m making sure to maintain my routine meditations, socializing, and exercise to keep me in good spirits and so far it has been working last week was the best i’ve rated my moods in over a year.