July 26, 2021 at 4:04 pm #383487
I took last week off work…to catch up on work, but also to relax some. I have been busy being social and it feels good, like I have my life back in a way.
To your question “what is it about being loved that scares you so much, what is the danger?” the first thing that I feel when looking at it is “I will eventually disappoint you, and you won’t love me anymore”.
I have continued to try to date and met an amazing woman. She is open, compassionate, doing meaningful work in the world, and beautiful to top it off…and it terrifies me. For a long time I think i have been making the excuse to myself that what i need and want in a partner just doesn’t exist, and now with it being right there in front of me i got lots of scared little boy feelings start popping up when i realized it. I’ve been very honest with her about my life, and my struggles, even the recent ones, and she didn’t run away or get angry with me (unlike my last girlfriend, a therapist, who said “i thought you were over being depressed?”). In fact she was also very upfront and vulnerable with me as well. We also discovered we have mutual friends.
I’ve been seeing her about 2 weeks now and we haven’t had sex, and i want it to stay that way for a while until i feel we have a safe and secure connection. It’s very strange to me because i haven’t watched porn in about 3 weeks and i’m not overly eager to have sex with her right now even though im sure it would be great. The connection feels real and genuine and its very scary to me because i think she’s too good for me, and im going to mess it up. At the same time i’m also starting to see my worth and attractiveness because of how I choose to live my life and part of me feels like someone like her also recognizes it.
I’m making sure to maintain my routine meditations, socializing, and exercise to keep me in good spirits and so far it has been working last week was the best i’ve rated my moods in over a year.July 26, 2021 at 4:27 pm #383489anitaParticipant
What crossed my mind as I read your recent post is this: maybe she is special enough, wonderful enough (although imperfectly) to see through your fears, through your low self esteem, through your depression, through your past- and like what she sees, and then, grows to love what she sees. Not because of how successfully you present yourself to her, but because she can see through you, into the core of you.
I like what I see in the core of you. She may too!
anitaJuly 27, 2021 at 4:40 pm #383548
Thank you for the well wishes Anita.
I’m trying my best to be more mindful this time around. The more I pay attention to what i’m feeling the deeper i’m realizing my wounds are. I experienced an intense anxiety last night when thinking about the possibility that she may not like me back and it made me want to delete her number and cut all contact. Thankfully I didn’t do that instead i reached out to her and said I’m excited to see her again, which is the truth, and she responded well to it.
That anxious feeling though was so intense for me. It started right in the middle of my abdomen just below my heart (solar plexus), and radiated outward through all my limbs and eventually came out through my eyes as tears. It wasn’t sadness, I believe it was fear of losing an attachment. It felt familiar, the same debilitating sensation that lasted for hours when i broke up with my first girlfriend. I’ve never been able to really take a step back and just watch how that sensation moves through my body until last night. I think if i can be slightly detached from that discomfort i can better control my response to it. So many times i have self-sabotaged relationships because of my response to that discomfort.
When I realized that sensation is not new, i began to wonder how far that feeling goes back, and tried to approach it like my inner child and was asking myself “what does he need?” and I the answer was safety. I cried alot after that realizing i have never felt safe in my life. I’ve worked very hard to build my skills so that I will likely be financially safe, but it was heartbreaking realizing i’ve had no relationships where i’ve felt safe.
I’m hoping i can find safety in relationships one day if I’m able to take care of myself well enough to keep trying, and taking risks.July 27, 2021 at 5:55 pm #383566anitaParticipant
You described beautifully your fear, how it travelled from your solar plexus (a complex network of nerves located in the abdomen, below the heart, behind the stomach, called “solar” because of its radiating nerve fibers) through your arms and legs, coming out through your eyes as tears.
You wrote about that experience: “It felt familiar, the same debilitating sensation that lasted for hours when I broke up with my first girlfriend“- and you survived that hours long sensation, it wasn’t deadly. Remember this when you feel it next, maybe at night, say to yourself: this will not kill me. There will be a tomorrow for me, and imagine the morning to come, visualize it, see you in it.
“I have never felt safe in my life… I’ve had no relationships where I’ve felt safe“- it is heartbreaking.
“I’m hoping I can find safety in relationships one day if I’m able to take care of myself well enough to keep trying, and taking risks“- key is to detect the first, minute bit of safety and let it in. I don’t think that safety (the feeling/ perception of it) is going to appear to you like a big, heavenly experience. You will have to pay attention and notice a small bit of safety here and there, and absorb those bits, one by one. Over time, you will be able to endure bigger portions of safety (similar to a starving person unable to ingest a large portion of food, and has to ingest small portions of food, a bit at a time, then wait for a few hours before taking another portion.
anitaJuly 31, 2021 at 11:25 pm #383860skyParticipant
Hi. I used to feel what you do, but not any more. I don’t expect you to be curious enough to reply and ask me about my success, but if you do, that would be fine with me. I’ll help you get to where you want to be, I promise. No charge. What will I show you? I’ll share what it takes to erase past trauma or “overwrite” it. If you don’t think that’s a big deal, then you obviously don’t get the essential point. All the best.August 3, 2021 at 11:26 am #384033
i would be glad to hear about method for overwriting your trauma! I will always consider any suggestions.
I do want to point out your comment does come off condescending “if you don’t think that’s a big deal then you obviously don’t get the essential point” not sure if you meant it to come off that way. That statement suggests if I don’t value overwriting my trauma using your strategy then I’m missing some kind of “obvious” competence.
Also, promising you can get people where they want to be seems like a dangerous game, what if you can’t? Then someone must be at fault who would take the blame? because you promised you would fulfill my wishes for a better life. A promise is a certainty. There is no certainty you or I can change anyone else’s life