Anita,

I hope you are having a nice Friday and ready for the weekend.  The kids and I have lots of activities coming up. Pep Rally this evening and football game in the am.  Ella is cheering and Aiden is playing football.  Next Sunday I am taking them to a show next Sunday.  Kind of like a Circus show with no animals, more pirates and mermaids.  As time is going by I feel better with I’m with my kids maybe  more than before-less stressed out I would say- In the last month or so I feel very protective of myself, more than usual.  I don’t feel that I relate to many people.  Again when I talk sometimes I think that other people know I’m different; that I have a mental illness.  From an outside perspective this is wrong.  But in my head these are my thoughts.

I don’t know if you could notice but I would say within the last month I was having a down cycle.  I believe it was one of the bad ones that usually only happens once a year maybe. I believe they are triggered by stress.  2 weeks ago I started making impulsive decisions-I discussed texting and not making sense; seeming off and weird.  I was doing well at work and with the kids but I was not motivated and got a little behind.  I got into a text argument with my ex that doesn’t usually take place anymore.  My best friend could tell-he stated that I was being odd the past week or so.  that I seemed fixated on being lonely and continuing to message with the guy from the lake house.  Looking back I felt dull, bored, and wanted to something exciting to do-like get a tattoo, (in the past get on a dating website) etc.

While I am able to see clearly my behaviors (yesterday and today much better) this is not good for myself esteem.  It continues to be very negative and I know the consequences of low self-esteem.  At this point I want to hide from people to a certain extent, no talk much.

I can tell you with certainty that I am love and attention deprived.

Lindsey