Dear Tineoidea,

I assume because he was never able to exercise such influence over me even though he was quite possessive and such in the past, or perhaps this kind of behavior was new to him, only happening after I cut him off and he got very upset at me.

It seems to me that you yourself had a soft spot for him, tolerating his possessiveness. You said that when you first noticed his negative influence on her, this is what happened:

I removed him from the spheres where they could see each other and interact. I took the fight to our internal front because I myself didn’t want to lose a lifelong friend and thought that he’d come to reason. During this period we have spent some time “going back to our roots” so to say, doing together activities we used to. I thought this would help him soften up and come to terms

It’s like you needed his approval and blessing to continue the relationship with her. You didn’t want him to be upset. You thought he’d come to terms with the fact that he won’t be the center of your attention any more, that you found someone who would take his place, someone more important than him. Clearly, the guy was possessive, but you allowed him to take that special place in your life and abuse your friendship. Maybe now is the time to consider why you allowed it and how you yourself are susceptible to manipulation by people like your former friend?

I wonder if there’s anything I could do right now. Just let it be and see if she contacts me in the future? Try to actively but subtly engage with her perhaps through e-mails? I feel like any little misstep could just make her gain even more distance or become even more angry. She’s been disregarding all my observations, feedback and counsel during this conflict after all.

I think that contacting her at this point would be counter-productive. She seems completely blinded by him, trusting everything he says. She sees you as the bad guy at this point.

One more things, when I attempted to talk to him and told him our story, he constantly said that the story she told him is quite different, that I’m lying and making things up, that he trusts her and not me. Here I couldn’t help but to wonder what she’s been telling him and she’s an accomplice in all of this. Previously she pretended to like something she loathed just because he shared it with her.

I wouldn’t trust a word of what he is saying. He is manipulating both of you, pitting you against each other. Both of you are his victims, only she fell for it much more deeply than you. She is almost certainly not a bad guy in this story, she’s not a narcissist, but a victim of a narcissist. I do hope she soon gets disappointed in him and starts seeing things more clearly again.