Dear Tineoidea,

I guess I can, although I wouldn’t call his behavior prior to this accident abusive, troublesome yes.

I looked up now the definition of emotional abuse:

“Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person’s self-esteem and undermine their mental health.
Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. Either way, it chips away at the victim’s self-esteem and they begin to doubt their perceptions and reality.”

So blaming is a form of emotional abuse. You said your “friend” used to blame you for not spending even more time with him (although he was already monopolizing your time and criticizing your other friends). When I asked you whether you felt guilt around him, you answered:

Perhaps I did to a degree as he often complained that I wasn’t giving him enough of myself even though he was trying his hardest to be the best friend. What I felt though is that I had to erect barriers to fend off his possessive behavior. Yet I still cared a lot about his wellbeing and such.

He also threatened to kill himself if you cut contact for even a few days:

I must also say that there were times where he was very unstable or borderline suicidal over me telling him to cool off and cutting contact for a few days.

He didn’t outright voice such a threat but did something which could be considered rather suicidal (driving at night while on substances and no intent of coming back) and communicated it to me.

I felt a strong worry of course and resumed contact. However I’ve been very stern and distanced with him after that, which he didn’t take well.

Threatening to kill oneself is also a form of emotional abuse, I believe. It’s a form of manipulation. Because you cared about him, you of course tried to prevent him from harming himself, and so you gave in to his request – you resumed contact. So he manipulated you into doing something you didn’t want to do.

I’d say he emotionally abused you in at least three ways: 1) by demanding constant contact with you and monopolizing your time, 2) by blaming you for spending time with your other friends and criticizing them, and by 3) threatening to kill himself if you cut contact.

He sort of held you hostage, and even though you tried to “erect barriers to fend off his possessive behavior”, you didn’t quite manage because you feared that he’d kill himself – you feared for his life and well-being. Do you see now that his behavior wasn’t just troublesome, but also abusive towards you?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.