Dear Tineoidea,

It is the same project, and of course he was removed from it a long time ago,

Who removed him? You, as the person in charge of the project, or someone else?

BTW, have you taken steps to counteract his slandering and not lose your reputation among the people involved in your project?

That it makes no sense for somebody to be so helpful, that her overdone friendliness feels very fake, that she will hurt me and separate us two. Things like that. He was worried that I was being played, and ultimately he was right.

If she started offering her money and help for you and your mother to relocate to her country – before even getting romantically involved with you – that is indeed too much. You might have complained or told her about your difficult financial situation, and she, in an attempt to be “nice” and a “good samaritan”, offered her help. As I said, people who have the need to be liked by others tend to do this, where they promise a lot and then don’t deliver on it.

So your “friend” was right that it was too much and even fake. He of course had his own selfish motives in mind when he warned you about her – he didn’t want to share you with anyone else. So his view is heavily skewed by his own selfishness and possessiveness, but in this instance, he was right.

Obviously after the breakup, I didn’t expect any grand plans anymore yet she still promised to keep helping in the ways she can (as those ideas of hers started even before we got romantically involved). Just a couple of days after that, she suddenly became very aggressive and petty, withdrew all the support entirely, said we aren’t friends anymore and many other hurtful things such as attacks on my personality…. She even refused to take a quick look at some critical documents I made with her guidance and to give her opinion on those.

My take on this is that after the breakup, she didn’t have the need to be liked by you any more. She became openly hostile. So she didn’t need to keep the pretense that she is a good samaritan and that she has your best interests in mind.

During the turmoil, she sent me many mixed signals as she would go from angry and cold/cruel to nostalgic or even affectionate. From saying that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore to saying that she missed me badly and still loves me even if that diminished.

That was in the transition period, while she was still not sure what she wants (she said something like “I don’t know myself”). She still wanted to appear kind (as if she were the same kind person who offered to help you and your mother so generously), but at the same time, her doubts about you have intensified. I think that’s why she was sending you mixed signals.

He himself admitted to putting her against me and even trying to force our separation, he’s full of hate for me and obviously has been filling her head with all sort of delusions and slander.

I think it would be worth, just for the sake of complete honesty with yourself, to examine if there was anything you did that went against the moral code, or best practices, in your field of work. Something that would give him an excuse to slander you. Or, if there were things you told him about her, that she didn’t know (e.g. that she is very important to you because she’ll solve your and your mother’s existential problems). And then he might have used that to tell her that you are with her only for the money. You see what I mean? Were there such things in your behavior or attitude, either private or professional, which might have painted you in a bad light, if taken the wrong way?

My only hope is that she’ll be able organize her mind and remember what we had, what happened during the conflict with him, his vile treatment of me, and how he actually is. And I hope that it happens sooner than later.

Are you expecting her to get back to you? Are you hoping that she’d still help you with your relocation? What are you expecting from her?