How are you protective and caring?

I always feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Especially towards my family, as I feel responsible for all their pain and hurting.  As a result, I go to great lengths to avoid conflicts, and seldom admit when my feelings are hurt.

When have you protected and cared for someone?

I have always been overprotected and over-caring towards my nieces, well when I was a little “healthier” mentally. My main mission was to protect them from all the bad things I experienced in my childhood and to keep them safe, happy and smiling.

How does it feel to protect and care?

Honestly, it sucks big time. Because, it reminds me how neglected, hurt and tormented I was. And, I tend to start with the “what ifs”, “I wish”, and “Why wasn’t there anyone there for me”. The more I protect and care about my nieces, the more devastated and anxious I feel. Somehow, I see myself in them, my brittle inner-child that is broken into thousand pieces.  I get reminded of how brittle and weak I really am. A tiny bump in the road will break me.

How can you protect and care for others and yourself now?

At the moment, just being alive and staying alive is the only way I can protect and care for others. The pain and hurting of any other life decision will shatter their world. I’m dedicating all my time(the time I’m mentally available and the demons have minimal effect on my mind) to reading, journaling, understanding and self-help.

What does being compassionate look like for you?

To be with someone during ups and downs. To pick someone up when they’re down, not heal them or walk in their shoes, but just be there, standing next to the one that is weathering the storm.

At the moment, I’m struggling every day to find a purpose, a reason for living. I’m at the point of my life where I can’t help anyone.