Dear Sarah,

I checked the motivational speeches by Nick Vujicic- It was really humbling and inspiring., but it also made me quite anxious. Because, I don’t have the fighting power, courage and resilience as Nick. It makes me realize that I’m missing the essential coping abilities. At the moment, a simple bump in the road will make me crumble. As the days, weeks and months pass, I feel more embarrassed and ashamed about my life and my decisions. It so many regrets, pain and shame I’m dealing with on a daily basis.

Step-by-step, I’m working on my inner child, my fears and my decisions. Every time I manage to get some progress, my evil mind pulls me back again. I’m hopeless and weak, and it’s really daunting to start all over again(as I have to do every morning).

I’m struggling with everything now, I’m frustrated and angry at myself and my life choices. I second guess everything from my past. The way I lived, how I lived, why I didn’t mature in my 20s.

I just want to end the pain, the feeling of shame, the feeling of not being able to utilize my potential, the feeling of failing in everything. I know look back at the “good” times with shades. I have slowly realized that I’ve always felt empty, depressed and useless. I felt empty when I was 6, in my teens, in my 20s-30s and 40s. And, I’m afraid I’ll be feeling the same until my last breath. It’s just how my brain is wired.

I envy everyone, I’m jealous of peaceful and carefree they look. I’m not sure how to cope, how to live, how to get inner peace.

I read, work on myself, go to therapy and try to socialize. But, in the end, I just feel lost and awful.

I’m trying my best to live, to be “normal” but I’m just dead inside-

I’m sorry that I’m so negative and spewing out a lot of negativity. I’m really sorry.