Hi Anita,

So you think that everything i do and all the experiences i have now are basically stemming from the difficult relationship with my mother? I see the point. Maybe..its hard to correlate for me but i can see what you mean.

In relation to those moments when “im feeling successful and confident….people feel its unfair somehow”..i know very well how that felt (being very happy or feeling accomplished) and then to see the look on someone´s face and immediately feel guilty and that it would be better if they feel happy or confusion, why arent they happy for me?, to feel a sense that somehow my fortune was damaging to others. The thing is this….i also see what my father´s behaviour created because he would be the first to bend over backwards to make my mother feel better, at the expense of us or anyone else around them.

The damage done is in how i react.

Its definitely a question whether its possible to break the pattern. For example again today my head is hurting and my brow knotted and im obsessing from being overwhelmed at work by the irritating behaviour of my colleagues. Ive come home angry and frustrated again. Here are some individual things that happened that i can pin point were triggering, does it seem a lot for just one day??!:

– (when the new admin took over my role i remember her asking me about whether we could put music on while we worked. I replied it was okay as long as it did not interfere with client interaction and other people´s work, i meant…using your sensitivity to the situation….since then, she puts music on all the day, on her computer in the background. Ive noticed if she is annoyed with others interaction, she turns up the volume. )

Today i came in and i put some music on as i was alone, but not loud, she came straight in, turned on her computer and put some music on just that bit louder…

– A:I mentioned before that one colleague was hired by the family member (who now has a powerful & controlling position in the company) this guy is his best friend! the guy always seemd friendly but after today also now appears creepy. Today he cornered me where i could not get away, i was getting something and i felt like he was looking down my top while talking very close to me…..enough said. Unfortunately we now have 2 guys working in the office with the feeling they have control over us because one is a family member…my boss does nothing, she is a woman.

-B: i had an appointment booked with a client (visible to my colleagues), 30min before i was due to leave another colleague came and said she had to see the same place and wanted to take the keys…to cut a long story short she didnt go in the end, but the conversation and re-planning was distracting and i remembered my friend says that she feels some of our colleagues say and do things to sabotage the situation….it certainly seemed that way, since her “appointment” surprisingly did not go ahead and she has done the same thing to me often before.

– This same colleague had been hanging around all day, we each have a day to be at the office and it gets busy very quickly because its a small office and we now have a lot more staff…hanging around just trying to pick up information or bickering with each other. So these two colleagues…A&B were chatting about something..i was trying to ignore this and continue to work…but B then sat down opposite me with her computer and then A sat down and they continued talking …right at my desk!!! By now it was afternoon, i was already irritated from being unable to concentrate and i said to them to please sit on the other side of the office where there is space because this desk was for clients…they seemed to agree…and then turned to each other and continued talking! i stared at them and they ignored me. I then asked them again to move and had to wave a hand in their faces, at which point B, who has known me for years..did her usual “ok ill move” slowly as though it was not her fault. Mr A though, which is an apt name for him, decided i needed to hear one more thing from him about some saying in his language …to which end i had to hear a long drawn out explanation that made no sense…he just wanted to stomp his foot metaphorically, to pee on his patch, etc. Even though he should show some respect to someone who has worked many years more than him in the job..it makes me mad. Im just sick of this childish behaviour. Which has become worse since men joined the company i have to say.

There was more but this gives an idea of what an average day at the office is like…i must admit i felt a bit sorry for the admin person as i used to have her job and you have to hear ALL the dramas.