@TeaK:

I am sorry you don’t feel okay, but there is at least one positive thing: you have a job now. Last time we spoke, you were looking for one… Does it help you feel at least a bit more empowered at the moment?

Thanks TeaK. At the moment, I’m self-employed and have a client I’m working for, but it’s not really enough money I’m making. But yes, thinking back to the beginning of the month, I felt what I have now and being able to be paid for some tasks seemed impossible for me. So I’m very grateful to have that opportunity.

It’s good you are at least aware that you shouldn’t expect empathy and understanding from your parents, so you are open to looking for it elsewhere. Eventually the goal would be to give it to yourself – to have empathy for the little Annie who was treated differently than her younger sister, which made her feel rejected and unappreciated.

There is a really useful youtube video on reparenting, by Barbara Heffernan. Please check it out (look for Barbara Heffernan, title: Reparenting Yourself, posted on June 22, 2021). It gives a framework of how we can reparent ourselves, with or without the help of a therapist.

I will check out the video. I really appreciate it, thanks.

There is actually a limited number of core wounds that we can have, so it doesn’t have to be such a daunting task. Perhaps a part of the problem is that you believe there’s so much work ahead of you, so many issues that need healing, and this prevents you from even starting? But it doesn’t have to be so overwhelming. As you’ll see in the video, one of the first steps is to take better care of yourself (e.g. sleep, rest, and better boundaries with people), which you might be able to implement relatively easily.

Yes, there is definitely a lot I need to heal from and work on. Recently, it’s been hard to juggle everything since I’ve been doing 3 other internships and helping clients with tasks that I barely have the time and focus on working on myself. I have been feeling slightly burnt out as I feel I’m taking on more than I think I can handle. But this is because I’m trying to gain more skills so I can find work that pays better and I shouldn’t waste time.

Would you like to share some more? How come you felt sad and hurt after meeting him? Were you hoping to rekindle the relationship and he wasn’t interested?

Here is a bit of the back story: We dated for 3 years, but have been on and off a lot because he’d want to break up and then we rekindle and the cycle repeats. Overtime I felt so anxious and preoccupied, afraid he’d leave again. It felt like we were walking on egg shells. We would fight about his friends, because I felt insecure and felt like I wasn’t as important to him as his friends were to him. I’d compare our relationship with that of his friend’s and envy them because his friend treats his girlfriend so well. Not saying that he treated me horribly or was abusive (he wasn’t), just that when I feel we were getting closer, I’d feel him distancing from me. He was overall caring and thoughtful about me, and did things for me. The last break up was initiated by me because I had a feeling he’d end things so I did it first to avoid the pain of rejection. At that point, I felt all his friends already know except me (just my assumption) as one of his friends and his friend’s girlfriend left our FB group chat and they started a new one without me in it. I felt humiliated and embarrassed as our conflicts were now known by all his friends.

Last year (1-2 years later after we broke up) and up until this year: We were supposed to meet up that month or in January (he texted me that he missed me and my touch and hugs). It didn’t end up happening as I got news from the landlord that the neighbor next to us got tested positive for covid. I was really sad and told him we had to cancel the meeting because I was really worried for him and didn’t want him to risk getting anything (though he kept insisting to see me). We didn’t text each other and didn’t contact each other after.  A few months later, he did send me a link and I replied thank you but he didn’t reply back after that. 2-3 months later, he crossed my mind and I kept thinking about him. So I decided to text him and ask how he’s doing. That’s when I found out his dad was diagnosed with liver cancer and it’s been really tough for him and his family. He also had started working a new job and taking care of his dad so it was busy for him. A month or two later, I’d texted him asking how his dad was doing, and his dad is recovering after surgery and doing okay now. I texted him how I miss him and asked him how he felt about where we stand right now. He replied back thanking me for letting him know and that he didn’t know I felt this way. Then he said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or date right now. He said he wanted me to meet other people if possible. He suggested that we should talk about things regarding our relationship in person, not through the phone or text and I agreed. He’s focusing on finishing college and wants to go to law school after. He’s also moved so he’s been busy. He made it clear to me through text that he’s okay with hanging out and having fun, but doesn’t want to date. I did felt hurt and cried after reading that, but I respected his decision. We made plans to meet a few times in September, but none happened because of the timing. The weekend before we met up last week, he did text me and asked me if I wanted to see where he lives now since his dad wasn’t home. I didn’t go because it was getting late and I didn’t have a car.

Our recent meet up last weekend: I guess I felt sad and hurt after meeting him because the whole week building up until we met up, I was really looking forward to seeing him again (last time we saw each other in person was in December last year).  Although I know I shouldn’t expect anything else to happen, I guess subconsiously I still hoped for us or that he’d still have feelings for me. We were supposed to talk about the relationship, but we ended up catching up and talking about anything but feelings or relationship. I was just afraid and didn’t want to hear his rejection in person, so I didn’t bring it up. We got ice cream and shared it. We only met up for 2 hours and got lunch together, before his friend picked him up as they needed to do a project for class. I went home myself and text him I got home safely. We exchanged a few more texts and he stopped replying back, but read the message. I felt rejected and so hurt. For the few days after, I felt horrible. I find it hard to accept that he’s moved on.