Dear Elizabeth,

I feel the need to add something to your conversation with anita, and further expand on something that anita has touched upon already. It’s about the way you see Christopher, specially you believing that he betrayed you so awfully. He has indeed treated you badly, specially while you were struggling with problematic pregnancy and later miscarriage. I am sorry about that.

But what you expressed in your other thread “Heart broken”, is that you already felt his withdrawing from you and being selfish much before you got pregnant. But nevertheless you decided to try to get pregnant with him:

The moment he realized I had less and less to offer him he pulled back, because things were not going so well for me at the moment. It felt like every problem on earth was targeting me. I felt lost and confused and needed him more than before. This is not what he bargained for and so he did everything to avoid me. I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore. I thought if I was patient with him he would come around. Didn’t realize I was dealing with a narcissistic person.

I decided I needed to get myself off of him. At the same time, I got a not so clever idea in my head that if I got pregnant and had a baby instead I would feel a whole lot better and it would give me a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. I could hardly go through the day without crying at this point. I was utterly miserable.

I completely understand you and am not judging you at all for making that decision. You had mixed feelings – a part of you recognized he’s not so loving as you first thought, but a part of you still hoped that you may be able to change him, to win him over. And so you chose to ignore his selfishness, and not only that, but you also convinced yourself that having a baby with him would help. Maybe it wasn’t completely conscious in you, but probably a part of you believed that if you had a baby together, this might win him over. Even though a rational part of you knew he wasn’t interested in having a child with you:

So early this year January I finally fell pregnant. I was very excited and I felt like all my plans where coming to fruition.  I had made up my mind I was going to do this all by myself. That was my plan to begin with anyway. So after much deliberation I finally got around to telling Christopher that I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t expect him to be ecstatic.

His reaction didn’t surprise me at all and I thought I was ready for it.

You knew what his reaction would be. As a side note, how come he agreed to have unprotected sex all that time? Have you talked about what would happen if you get pregnant?

So, his reaction was expected, and you too expected it. But still, when he asked you 2 weeks later who you would say is responsible for your pregnancy, if people asked you – you were shattered (It threw me completely off guard I was shell shocked to be honest.  This is someone I believed was my friend. How could he ask me something like that?)

You were very surprised and hurt and offended by his remark, as if you didn’t know that he didn’t want to have a baby with you. It was like a disconnect between your heart and your mind, because although your mind knew it, your heart desperately wanted him to accept and love both you and the baby. The pain and anger took you over, although in part, you brought yourself into this situation, by ignoring the warning signs (I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore.)

I am writing this so you could see the two sides in you – one that believes she is strong and independent, and can take care of herself (she thought you would be able to raise your child alone), and the other side, who is fragile and needy and desperate for a man’s love, even if that man is unworthy of it. That other side is your inner child, that you’d need to heal, if you truly want to move on.

We can talk more about healing your inner child, if you’d like and are open to it.