Hi Anita,  Ive been still very busy working…but having to also take a mental break from these conversations and thoughts that are very hard to deal with and relatively new realisations. Im not sure if it is this that also makes me very tired all the time. I feel like everything just totally drains me. I also feel anxiety a lot and have difficulty in relaxing anyway.  it has been a demanding time like i dont remember previously, people pulling and pushing to get what they want. So, instead of taking a break and enjoying life a bit…im spending hours on small tasks (like how to work some App or similar), emails and getting frustrated and irritated (noisy neighbours, competitive colleagues). I guess that is what getting older is! But when i get home there is no break from it.

In the back of my head i have a “must do” list of personal items i just can´t get around to…i should get myself online and meet someone (that has been a lost priority for a few months now), i should find activites and make new friends (dont know where to look for that), I feel i have to get presents for my family for christmas but its a hollow experience as im not talking to them. My niece is going to be 4years old and i wanted to get her something at least but have no idea what she likes. She will grow up thinking im the strange auntie..my sister seems distant and has not reached out at all to me for over a year. She is the older sister but honestly, i dont know if she even cares. I told her before that it was hard being around our parents and mom´s mean behaviour and she apologised to me which came as a surprise at the time (why are YOU sorry?). Then i realised, she felt she had dumped me with that problem and face to face she felt guilty but at a distance she feels ok. She can tell our parents anything at a distance, and have control of the situation too. She doesnt like to hear my difficulties..so she just goes mute. great huh?

I think its good that she has a child to care about as i think that may have changed perspectives for her but for me, sadly there is a coldness. Seeing as she has been on the phone with our mom every other day, without thinking to ask me how im doing, i can only conclude that i am competition for her. She doesnt hear what mom is like after their conversations, dissecting everything. Mom and i used to agree however, my sister would never ask how you were doing at these times…only talking about herself.

So, whats new in the world..i dont understand my family! great. I guess im just coming to terms with my personality and what shaped it. Im still angry with my parents and also my sister, for their lack of care and for the times i filled in the blanks with humour to hide the sadness.

Im trying to turn this around to focus on people as you say, who do deserve attention and kindness..to not continue the same ill behaviour.