Dear anita,

Yes, my mother is c- free! I don’t want to jinx it. She has check ups every 6 months. The next is coming up. I am very nervous. I will keep praying for everything to be fine.

Thank you for taking the time to read the other thread again. I will be 27 this year. My grandmother is staying with my aunt, she went a couple of weeks back. She will stay there for a couple of months. There was no helper since the pandemic started.

You are right, my childhood has affected my brain. But I am afraid I won’t find people for the healthy supportive social interactions. You are right, my “tail” wags often but I quickly realize the other person does not care. I don’t think I will meet a dog with it’s tail wagging. I am not saying I’m special but people don’t function like me. It’s mostly just superficial fun or give-and-take. I find myself more drained after social interactions. With even some wonderful people I met at work who I still keep in touch with and we go for walks often. All my new interactions and experiences are built on top of my underlying (I don’t know how to describe it) “self”. I hate that self now. I’ve had enough of always being anxious and scared and unfulfilled. I want to wipe it out and start fresh. I feel exhausted.

I am not fishing for sympathy but I am ugly by societal standards and I won’t easily find love. Most people are not looking to love or find love. They have other standards I won’t meet. In this reality, where I will not find love and most relationships are superficial, I’m afraid I can’t rely on others for healing. But at the same time, I don’t know how to heal which is why I am asking for a miracle that someone comes along and wipes everything out and loves me.

Coming back to this thread, I am feeling really slow and dysfunctional. I am never able to reach the “finish line” and I know I’ve clearly answered that question for myself in my previous replies for why it happened. But I want to know how to fix this. How to be normal. Every new thing I do sucks because of how abnormal my brain is. I want to change that.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by samy.