Dear Peace,

I am so sorry you’re being attacked like this by your eldest sister. I think her attack is vicious and unfair because she accused you of “blackmailing, disturbing and torturing my family member“, making you seem like a villain and a criminal, whereas you haven’t blackmailed or tortured anyone, as far as I know.

I went back and checked your older posts, and this is what you said about the financial support you’ve received from your family:

my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing  financial problems my sister started financially supporting us  by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve  but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .

my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here, doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies  ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom  or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..

So your eldest sister was a major bread winner for the family after and even before your father got sick: she supported your family and financed her own studies by giving tuition classes and teaching. She also helped her younger siblings, including you, because she wanted them to get a good education and a good career. She decided to send you to study abroad (in Germany), and for that purpose, she sold her gold savings, while your other sister took a loan, so you would have enough money for your first year in Germany. You soon started working and were able to finance yourself fully, and were even sending money back to your family.

You say:

i am thinking to talk to my husband to wait 1_1.5 years till i complete my studies and talk to them again …

because they really spent money on me …i dont know …i should pay them back and do wait..

Well, I think the best way is to give them back the money you owe them, which is the worth of the gold and the loan your other sister took. Those are the direct costs of your 2 sisters financing your trip, perhaps tuition too (?), and the first year in Germany. I think that would be a a fair amount, and they won’t have the basis for complaining how much they sacrificed for you.

As for the rest, your sister (and the rest of your family?) is trying to emotionally blackmail you (so it’s actually her who is blackmailing you, not vice versa.) She is disturbed, upset and outraged because your choices don’t match her expectations, and her biggest concern is “what would the people say?” if you marry this guy. This is exacerbated by her husband’s criticism, so they are both railing up against you.

I can imagine it hurts you a lot, because you said how much your eldest sister’s opinion means to you:

i met my eldest sister after a long time ,i always wanted to be close to her and i always wishes that she should be proud of me because i craved that attention

She might have been like a parent figure to you, since she did support you and your other siblings financially for such a long time. It’s understandable that you would like to please her and make her happy. But it seems she is very judgmental of you, e.g. she criticized your looks recently, even before she knew anything about your husband:

she was critically judging me and putting me down bcz i did make up and she was telling me till 2 days i was looking so awful in that way .

She still sees you as a child, and treats you like that. She believes you don’t know what is good for you and that you are making wrong decisions:

she was so angry at me that she was saying i m a child ,emotional,i dont know about people etc.

she put me down on those messages by saying i m very inconsistant (may be because i refused to a guy which they wanted me too)… and how immature childish i m..and that she is so fed up of my childish behaviour

she thinks i never achieved anything here

Perhaps a part of her concern is that in the past you had some relationships which weren’t good for you, and she doesn’t know that you’ve changed since then and healed much of that stuff. So a part of her problem might be that she sees the old you – a lonely girl who craved for love and got involved with men who didn’t care about you or respect you. She doesn’t know you have changed since then. But another part of the problem is that she seems judgmental in general, and might have been criticizing you for a long time.

You said that when last you met, she ignored you: “this time even though i m now adult ,independent, i was somehow ignored by her”. This probably means she saw a child in you – someone whom she used to criticize a lot (am I right in thinking that?). In that encounter in October 2021, the only thing she could see was your make-up, and she put you down for it. She didn’t have a nice word for you…

Also, she doesn’t respect your choices, e.g. she doesn’t respect the fact that you didn’t like physiotherapy but chose to study something you like better. It tells me she doesn’t care about your preferences… in her mind, you should do what she expects you to do. Both with your studies and in choosing whom to marry.

She doesn’t wish you well – she doesn’t care about your happiness, but only what she deems proper. And her motivation is selfish – to spare herself and the family from public humiliation. They had (and still have) racist views, and now they would feel humiliated by you marrying someone from a lower caste. They don’t care about you, but about themselves (we’ve already talked about this).

I hope you see how your sister and the rest of your family isn’t working in your best interest, even if in the past she helped you financially and supported your education. But emotionally, it seems she wasn’t very supportive, and now she became outright hostile.

I think you should repay your debt to them and cut contact, as anita said, because you are only getting accusations from them, and also their treatment of your husband is appalling. And he truly doesn’t deserve that, as you said. I know it’s hard for you to cut contact, but if your sister is forcing you to live against yourself and wants to deny you happiness, what else is there to do?