Anita,

I hope you are doing well this week.

It has been a difficult week for me.

In regards to my fear of being powerful, i don’t mean it in the sense of controlling others or having status. I mean it in the sense of of a fear of feeling like I matter or have worth.

This week has been a rollercoaster I meant to post here sooner in the week. I am meeting up with my mentor (old therapist) today for some tea. Hopefully i can get some guidance on where to go from here.

As soon as i got in my car after my last client this week, i immediately burst into tears, and remained in a triggered state for a about 2 hours that night. Despite my clients actually making big improvements, and expressing gratitude for the service i provide, I felt awful hearing about their good fortune. The main trigger for me at work is discussions of money. Some of my clients make 2x-4x more money than me, yet I can barely afford to pay my bills each month on my therapist income. I didn’t take a single week off work last year, and I cant say enough just how exhausted i feel. Hearing about people who make double my income by sitting at a desk and sending emails all day is making me bitter.

I’m starting to have regrets about choosing this career path, and im beginning to become jealous of other’s peoples good fortune, which leads me to ask myself questions like “what am i doing wrong? why don’t i deserve to have a saftey net? am i stupid? it must be because im worthless?” So this week has been a real challenge to remind myself my value as a human being is not determined by dollar signs.

The other thing i haven’t really talked about is dating. I met this wonderful girl about three months ago with the intention of just being friends since she is polyamarous. We have spent alot of time together and she is genuinely a kind, vulnerable, and empathetic person. I told her last friday when i seen her that i wasn’t exactly feeling an attachment to her, but i really like spending time with her and hanging out. Sunday she told me she had covid, which is okay she’s doing alright, but i’m going out of town next week and she’s leaving for California soon. When it hit me that i wasn’t going to be able to see her i became very sad realizing i do have an attachment to her and will miss her. It also sparked up some jealousy, since she lives with her partner (whom i’ve met) and they get to see her where i wont.

All this to say i’m quite a mess of a person right now. From my basic needs to my needs for love everything’s fucked. I’m so tired.

On the bright side i have been very intentional in trying to soothe myself when these negative beliefs and heavy emotions are overwhelming me. There’s a real battle going on inside of a part of me that does not want to grow past the safety of telling myself i’m worthless and the mature part of me that knows i’m worthy and lovable. I need support at this point for the latter part.

When i’m in these mood swings/emotional breakdowns i have been talking to the hurt parts of myself from the inner parent in me, saying things like “there’s nothing wrong with you, you are lovable, you are worth more than any amount of money, etc” all while having rapid flashbacks of painful memories. I swear I am trying, as bad as things may feel for me right now, i keep reminding myself i am leaps and bounds from the person i was just 5 years ago, i don’t cut anymore and i’m way more self aware, and i’m trying my best most days.

I’m also wondering if cutting back from alcohol, porn, and weed while increasing the frequency of my meditation and journaling practices has anything to do with the intensity of the emotions i’m experiencing right now. I don’t feel numb at the moment, i actually feel very present with every inkling of feeling/thought/sensation that arises in me. I do feel like i need some kind of break although the next two weeks are packed for me, with a training and then taking my licensure exam the week after.