Hi Anita,

My intention still is not to make her read this. When i say i am not a drunkard i am saying it to myself that i am not. She has moved on completely and i don’t think she will even start reading this even come to this site in general because she is okay, atleast that is what I feel. I will change my username and the topic, or i can even delete this post and start a fresh one so she can’t identify. She knows i posted here on a different topic. It came out sometime when we were talking during the past 3 months. She even asked once what did i post here on a different post and i said it’s better she doesn’t get to know that. I am saying all these because i realised I made a mistake of not healing myself on time and feeling guilty about it. That i had a chance to heal myself last year and i didn’t do it. If i was able to move on it would have made sense but i couldn’t even forget and move but yet i didn’t put efforts to heal myself to handle the heavy feeling. I always ran away back to that neutral mindset of not fully in and not fully out, and not being able to move on with anyone.

I understood the childhood issues that i may have that you posted about. I was going to reply yesterday but was thinking what to reply and missed it. Yes my I had a troubled childhood. All my siblings too had. My mom is so weak and she has been replying on us for all her insecurities and issues. I have been like a counselor for many issues since my school days, also for the fights between my mom and dad. So but now I don’t know what to do for her. All i can think is i need to get married so she and dad feels their duty is fulfilled and i get better in my mind and be happy and she automatically feels normal and happy. Right now she only wants to see me happy. She has relied on me a lot, and my siblings too, that is true. I realised the effects of that in me. I want to make her inner issues solve as well. But before that work on myself to rectify or undue these effects on me. Thanks for the taking your time to explain it to me.

About the alcohol rehabilitation, yes that is a good option. I will checkout those centres for their availability. I want to check the severity of my addition. I agree i have a substance abuse  i am accepting it. Because i spent last 17 years doing these. I will check those centres. But again, I don’t want her to read this. I will try to change my user name now.