Dear lk09,

[Note: I see that you’ve posted again in the meanwhile – haven’t read that yet, this is my reply to your previous post]

First, I am happy to hear that your job situation has improved since we last spoke. Well done!

As for the boyfriend…. I am sorry he mislead you again… but I have to say I wasn’t too surprised because I suspected that the sudden and radical change that he reported of back in spring isn’t really sustainable but a temporary improvement, a temporary “high”. Deep emotional healing – which he was in need of – doesn’t happen in 30 days, so I was almost sure that his newly found enthusiasm for you wasn’t going to last.

Unfortunately, his most recent rejection of you, and the explanations/excuses that he gave you show that he still has a lot of emotional healing and maturing to do.

In fact, they show that he isn’t really willing to look at himself but is putting the blame for his flimsy behavior on you (by his flimsy behavior I mean chasing you and being interested in you only after you gave up on him and told him it’s definitely over, and then rejecting you again when you said Yes to his marriage proposal).

These are the reasons he gave you for rejecting you this time: 1) He says you have “extreme emotional needs” because you kiss him and hug him often – which is a normal behavior between two people in love. 2) He compares your relationship – which was a long-term relationship where you discussed marriage many times and this spring he even told you he wanted to marry you – with a casual hookup, and then blames you for having had sex with him as if you are quick to have sex with just anyone.

So basically he blames you for showing love and affection for him, and wanting to be intimate with the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Very unfair of him…

What worries me in all this, lk09, is that you believe that you had a stable loving relationship with him. Your words to him: “it seems stupid to me to throw stable loving situation for some moments of thrill, attraction and passion.”

The truth is you never had a stable loving relationship with him. He was always slipping away while you were chasing him. He was uninterested and deep in his addictions, and you were there for him, cheering him on, trying to help him feel better, trying to make him love you…. but it never worked. Unless maybe a very short period this spring when he said he wanted to marry you. But his enthusiasm quickly ended and he went back to being “confused” and uninterested again.

Please re-read my post No 377396, in which I explained how you saw your relationship through rose-colored glasses, because you needed him to love you and give you the feeling of being special and worthy.

This is what I wrote in that post:

[your words] There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention.

[my comment] Based on what you’ve written before, I believe there were issues between you, but you chose not to look at them. You said your long-distance relationship got cold after a while, e.g. when you’d send him love emojis, he’d send back nervous emojis, because he wasn’t comfortable to reciprocate. It might be because he was in the grip of his addiction and would have felt dishonest to send you love and kisses and pretend that everything is fine – but in any case, he wasn’t really showing the enthusiasm that you were showing. He was withdrawing already then. It was you who chose to believe that things will get better, because you couldn’t imagine losing him.

That’s why I said in my previous post that you were looking at your relationship through rose-colored glassed. You decided to ignore or minimize the signs of trouble, you believed addictions “could be fixed”, you chose to ignore his lack of affection and his refusal to talk about his problems. You believed that he was “the One”, the fulfillment of your dream to marry out of love and have that perfect relationship that you craved for.

It seems that you are still viewing your relationship as a “stable loving situation”, when it never was, not on his side….  I wonder if you can see that?