Hello Anita and Tee,

I am so sorry I never got an email notification of your responses, and I did not log back in to check. The following weeks of my post were quite difficult for me and in the process of coping, I forgot about this account.

Thank you for taking the time to reply back.

My relationship with my parents over this course of time has not gotten any better, and unfortunately, it has gotten worse with my mother.

I will first address your previous responses to my post.

Regarding the disagreements with me and my partner, they have become minimal. Especially how we navigate disagreements, we both have worked on our tones, our communication, and trying resolve issues without aggression.

I tried to communicate to both my parents that fights make me anxious, and how much my mental health is affected. My dad has been better because we maintain a healthy distance. I have learned the greatest way to have a good relationship with my dad is for both of us to give each other space. And in general, we minimize talking about topics that can cause an argument. It. has become very different with my mother. The fights are now much less between the two of them but now it has gravitated towards my mom and I have major disagreements and arguments. I know for my parents there is past trauma and they have managed to provide us with a good life, but throughout all of it, especially with my mom there is this strange energy that me leaving the home has caused.

For example, most my childhood my decisions were based around their prefereces. The older I have got and tried to make boundaries, the more resistance they (mom especially) became. I drew a boundary with my mom and her abusive tone with me, which also involved swear words and yelling. After asking her repeatedly to talk with me more calmly, and to NOT name call, it does not work. A lot of the arguments use to be around me sometimes comparing how she raised my younger sister in contrast to me. For example, they allow her more freedom as growing up since she has always been the rebellious one. She never gets as angry at her then me, there have always been so many expectations. When I visit home I used to playfully make comments such as oh my sister is lucky you are being supportive of her moving out for college since it was so different for me. I was so guilt tripped at the time when I was 19 that I never went away, I stayed home, and endured more fights.  I agree there has been a taunt in my comment because when I look back to my growing years, I have always been emotionally manipulated, and there is some anger still there. But seeing how much those comments affected my mom, I have stopped. But it seems anything I say that remotely is different from what she wants causes a HUGE argument, and gives me terrible anxiety, followed by silent treatment from her.

Recently, I bought a new place with my partner and it is under unexpected renovation which has delayed the move. Due to this, we have moved into my parents basement for close to a month–three more weeks left as the place is completed. I am thankful for their accommodation, but with me working from home it has caused more tension between my mother and I. I really do not know what I do that causes severe reactions–the words she says are so hurtful, and then later its like I need to try and get over it because she was angry. But these bursts of aggression happen over the slightest reason. My sister even spoke to my mom saying she needs to be more calm around me, my dad is always on my moms side so we do not bring up the discussion around him since he’s working till late evening. My partner has noticed tension between me and my mom. He is very supportive of me and just reminding me that soon we will be moved out but I feel so low and hurt by all this.

Growing up, my mom was my idol, and my best friend. I never imagined our relationship would get so sour. I know she has suffered a lot in life, largely due to the fights between her and my dad, but she has some strange grudge against me. As if me moving out at the age of 23 I am 25 now, is something I need to be guilt tripped about. She always says oh you don’t even live here anymore why do you care about so and so, or you never visit (even though I visit one a week), and because I am living with them right now, anything she requests she wants me to do right away. For example, taking their dogs out for a walk, if I am busy and I ask why my sister can’t do it, my mom gets SO angry and lashes out. She never apologies and says I am in the wrong for questioning her, and then says she is always depressed so to leave her alone.

I empathize with her but I am just tired. I want to have a good relationship with my mom. I spoke to my aunts, I am very close with them. They advise me to just maintain a healthy distance and overtime my mom will get better, and see me for a true adult. But I can’t help but feel why she is this way specially with me. My sister says its because they know deep down I can be emotionally manipulated, is this true? Can I do anything to make peace with the situation or try to solve it?

Sorry for the lengthy post. Thank you in advance if anyone does reply to this.