Dear Neera,

glad to hear from you again! I am sorry you’re going through these bitter arguments with your mother, and that you are forced to stay at your parent’s place for an entire month. I’ll try to give you my perspective on what is going on and how you might be able to get out of it…

Growing up, my mom was my idol, and my best friend.

I always had pressure to be this “perfect” daughter and overtime I beat myself over it if I do not live to those certain standards.

most my childhood my decisions were based around their prefereces. The older I have got and tried to make boundaries, the more resistance they (mom especially) became.

So, as a child you loved your mother a lot, she was your idol and you wanted to please her. You did everything in your power to make her happy. Perhaps that was the time when your parents fought a lot, and since you mentioned domestic abuse – does it mean your father was hitting your mother? Perhaps you saw your mother as a victim and this made you even more willing to please her and not to upset her?

When you got a little older, in your teens, and tried to assert your own will, your mother would get very angry with you. She would swear and yell at you. It didn’t help if you asked her to talk more calmly and not use swear words. The way you described her reaction, it seems like rage. Each time you bring up the slightest disagreement or critique of her, she gets enraged. And then afterwards she gives you silent treatment.

That too is emotional manipulation – she practically shuts you down and you are “disarmed”, probably feeling guilty that you have “upset” your mother so much. The problem, the way I see it, is that with your overt or covert critique, you are trying to make her see how unfair she was during your childhood, how she was manipulating you, controlling you, and eventually emotionally manipulated you into staying at home instead of going to the university. You are always bringing up the same topic with her – comparing yourself and your sister – because you want her to finally admit that she wronged you. And you are still angry with her.

You have all the reasons to feel angry and wronged – because indeed, you were, no doubt. Where you are making a mistake is to hope that she will admit that she wronged you. I think it’s safe to say that you’ll never hear that from your mother. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to hear the slightest critique. She immediately goes on the offensive, going into a fit of rage, or giving you silent treatment. It’s a way to shut you up.

The only healthy and constructive way to process your anger (which is justified, mind you!) is in therapy. Once you process it, you won’t need a “confession” from her, and you’ll be able to let her off the hook – i.e. minimize contact. You won’t need to visit once or twice per week, but you’ll be fine with meeting your sister elsewhere, e.g. at your place, once it’s finished.

So the key, in my opinion, is to stop expecting anything from your mother, and process your anger and hurt in therapy. How does that sound to you?