Hello Anita and Tee,

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. Much appreciated!

I would like to address both your responses in this post:

Dear Anita,

Yes, it is great my partner and I have improved our communication styles. However, I think living at home with my family is causing some issues in our relationship. It is more to do with communication again. I am noticing we are both becoming more irritable and lashing out at each other about small things which is unusual. I feel a lot of this is really because we are not in our own space so it is hard. And once we want to resolve things, it is difficult because my family does not give us the space. We did have a talk this morning about needing to have a conversation about improving our communication style again, but I think it is best to do this once we move out since right now we do not have the same privacy to do so.  We both have acknowledged our irritability and our doing some personal reflections in the meantime on how we can avoid such arguments. Do you have any other suggestions on what we can do?

I do think my mom is unconsciously upset that she is no longer my number one. Especially because my time is divided between so many things. I am saddened by this because I would love to spend more time with her but I also need to focus on other priorities at the moment especially for the sanity of my mental health. And the hard part is that I try to have a conversation about this with her but she is always in denial and the conversation turns quickly on all the things I am supposedly doing wrong, and how it is all my fault. It is useless.

Dear Tee,

I believe you have correctly identified the parts I have been scared to admit myself. I did see my mom as a victim growing up. And the more I learned about domestic violence in school, the more I wanted to free her, but I did not know how. So I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect and eventually it did wear me out.

Yes, you are right. A huge part of me wants her to see all the hurt still in me but there is no point because we cannot see eye to eye. For her, she was a young, naive girl who got married to a person that was not right for her and it changed her world perspective. My mother has gone through a lot in her marriage and even in childhood. And this is something I do greatly empathize with her on. Especially the culture we come from, it is not easy and it has damaged the happy person she used to be.

I suppose the best way for me to heal is therapy because the more I try for her to see what she did was wrong, and how what she is doing now is still wrong, the more strain it puts in our relationship. I am realizing that as unfortunate as it is, for me to have a healthy relationship with my mom, the conversations must be minimal, and my responses must also be minimal. I cannot express myself or explain myself because there is no point. I need to find a way to vent out my anger that is away from my childhood environment, and hopefully that can bring me to peace with reality.

Thank again to the both of you so much. Looking forward to your responses.

Take care,

Neera