Dear Neera,

it’s a pleasure to hear from you again! I am glad that you’ve finally moved out from your parents’ place into your new home. Congratulations!! And also, that the relationship with your boyfriend is good again, without the tensions you’ve experienced at your parents’ house.

She always says its because of my sister and I that she stayed but now that we are much older, much more independent, and she still chooses to stay, I am not sure I believe her when she said it was for us.

Most likely it wasn’t for you and your sister. And the proof indeed is that she chose to stay for all these years, whereas the relationship between your parents improved (at least on the surface) only recently, as you say.

I think you’re right when you say that they got better at not triggering each other, i.e. walking on eggshells around each other. In order to maintain a semblance of “harmony” in a dysfunctional relationship, one needs to accept certain rules of the game. I think what also keeps them “united” is that they both blame you. Projecting blame on you, scapegoating you, enables them to wash off the responsibility from themselves and keep the status quo.

It seems your father shows loyalty to your mother by taking her side in conflicts, blaming you for everything, and expecting you to take the blame and apologize to your mother. This is how he shows his “love” and “support” for your mother. I think this is a part of how their dysfunctional relationship is still surviving.

In fact, it seems this has been happening a lot in the past: you bowed down and took the blame, so there could be “peace” at home:

I have apologized many times in the past to keep things peaceful at home, and within myself

Your parents would coerce you into apologizing and taking the blame, even though your mother was verbally and emotionally abusing you. You said that whenever you tried to talk to her and point out at some things, she refused all your arguments and would attack you by name calling, swearing, yelling… After each argument, she would give you silent treatment. It was her who felt “wronged” and “harmed” by you. You were the villain, and she was the victim.

Your father took her side, and insisted that indeed, you were the villain and she was victim, and that you should apologize. So not only did you suffer abuse by your mother, but also by your father, who took her side. They both coerced you into submission, and they wouldn’t rest until you gave in. Because after each argument, your mother was giving you silent treatment (which is a form of emotional abuse), whereas your father was pressuring you to apologize. So, covert coercion by your mother, and overt coercion by your father.

You of course couldn’t bear to live under such pressure – with both parents emotionally blackmailing you – and you gave in. You alone couldn’t go against both of them, specially because you doubted yourself too. A part of you believed (and still believes) that they are right: their behavior sometimes makes me feel as if I am wrong, and unworthy, and undeserving of love.

You said each such argument caused you terrible anxiety. And no wonder, because it was both of your parents riling up against you. In order to keep peace at home and peace “within yourself”, you gave in to their coercion. You took the blame and apologized… and then things went to normal for a while… until the next time you tried to question your mother.

This time I cannot apologize for standing my ground against aggression. I cannot tolerate such things.

Good! You were exposed to both of your parents’ aggression all of your childhood and youth. It’s great that you’ve started seeing it for what it is, and that you refuse to bow down and apologize for something that is absolutely not your fault.

You don’t need to accept their verbal and emotional aggression any more. You don’t need to take the blame and apologize for standing up for yourself (or other family members whom they choose to attack).

There are still moments in the day where I feel very sad. Sad because I want to have a good relationship with my parents, but feeling tired and hopeless because I do not know how to continue.

I understand your sadness… we as children always want a good relationship with our parents, we crave for their love and support, we crave to bond with them….

But what if the reality is different? What if you cannot have a good relationship with your parents? Because so far, the only way to have a semblance of a “normal” relationship with them was to shut up, take the blame and admit that you are wrong. If you refuse to do that any more, I think only a very superficial relationship is possible, because they don’t show any willingness to change.