Dear Addy,

I’d like to chip in and put in my 2 cents. I’ve read through your posts and excellent insights and advice anita gave you.

One thing occurred to me: that you don’t want to change and educate your father and you accept him as he is, however you seem to be trying to change and educate your girlfriends.

About your father, you said (answering to anita’s question):

[anita] Or did you already educate him but he didn’t care to be educated by… whom he perceives to be inferior to him?

[Addy] Okay so I haven’t tried that because I be like He wouldn’t stop sticking to his old thought and values. so why waste that energy?

About your current girlfriend, you said:

Sometimes I also put that pressure to being better on my girlfriend as well eg. for eating, and sleeping healthy by being strict with her. … I feel like sometimes I force them to be better which isn’t good.

She’s mostly complaining that I’m being hard on her. Even though I’m trying to take this patiently.

Whatever I suggest she be like it’s easy to tell, hard to do. Even though I tried being patience she’s just doesn’t want to get out of her comfort zone.

This seems you have certain expectations from your girlfriend and you behave like a strict, demanding parent with her. You say you try to be patient (unlike your father was with you), but still, the tendency is to criticize and try to “improve” the other person. Because you can’t accept them as they are. You need them to be better. Would you say that’s true?

I believe these two dynamics are related: on one hand you’re accepting your father as he is, not trying to fix anything about that relationship. And at the same time, you’re quite strict with your girlfriend, trying to fix her, being critical of her small “imperfections” or certain personality traits…. In short, shifting your focus (and perhaps your anger too?) away from your father and towards your girlfriend, it seems to me.

What do you think?