Dear Tee,
Hope you’d able to have good rest and recover. When I have sleep problems, I try warm milk or just warm honey + turmeric water

This seems like you’re afraid of showing too much vulnerability, 

I think Yes. and That’s why the shield because showing weakness meaning afraid of more attacks you know?
Also I was thinking like if I show me too much weakness how can I be the protective figure for them?

So, weak is bad, but weaker than is even worse?

I guess so, Yeah

Or an even deeper fear: you don’t want a committed relationship, because it would sooner or later reveal all of your (perceived) imperfections and weaknesses to the person, and you couldn’t bear that?

I’m not worried about the imperfections that’s okay for me but I do worry about showing myself as a weak person. Because part of me doesn’t accept that I’m a weak person, The things I’ve been through the weaker person wouldn’t be able to pass that. I know I’m very resilient and strong about what I want.

I think I’m fear of committed relationship maybe because of fear of missing out. Part of my mind thinks that my freedom wouldn’t be the same. What if I meet someone better later on? Because now I’m doing remote work and able to change cities whenever I want so I just want to explore more. But If I go for the committed route, It feels like I’d just question my wanderer soul more because I do have what you can say “Do not settle” mindset.

On another hand If I do start the dating or relationship, I make sure fulfilling my responsibilities from my side. Giving proper attention, Communication, Planning and Spending time together.
So for another fear that what if I hurt the person? Like obviously If we spending good time together there would be connection and etc. and then I show up like sorry but I’m not ready for any commitment? You know what I mean?