Dear SereneWolf/Addy/Saiyan,

I am fine, thank you.

I saw you started a new thread, under a different user name, and presented an additional problem there: of suffering from an imposter syndrome. So even if you’re doing good and are successful, you still believe you’re not good enough and that you’re a fraud. That can easily be a consequence of heavy criticism, high expectations and not being allowed to make mistakes in your childhood (e.g being criticized and scolded for getting even a single bad grade).

It seems both of your parents had high expectations from you in terms of school success, and very low tolerance if you weren’t scoring all As. Not just your father was like that, as I thought, but your mother as well. You said on your new thread: Part of it was also from my mother. I was really scared of her like what she’d say? she’d be disappointed. And I was disappointed in myself too.

In that environment, surrounded by such high expectations and such low tolerance for making a mistake, you put yourself (and were put by your parents) under a lot of pressure to perform. And you also adopted the belief that you’re not good enough if you’re not scoring all As all the time. Only total perfection would have been good enough, if that.

Over time, you’ve developed the inner critic, telling you that you’re a failure and not good enough. And so now, even though you’re doing considerably well and have professional success, you still can’t believe that you’re actually good enough. You still believe you’re that sloppy, underperforming boy who failed to reach perfection and failed to please his parents. A part of you still sees you as a failure. And as such, every success must be accidental – it’s not really your merit. Because in your own eyes, you’re not good enough.

That’s I think at the core of your imposter syndrome. And the way to treat is the same as treating your low self-esteem, perfectionism and other issues we’ve talked about so far. Change that internal talk, don’t listen to the inner critic, tell yourself kind, loving things. Tell yourself it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell yourself you’re good enough and worthy, even if you’ve made some mistakes in the past, and will still be making more mistakes in the future. We’re human, it’s in our nature to make mistakes.

Your parents wanted you to be a superhuman, you were denied to make mistakes. Well, now give yourself that right and free yourself from the heavy burden of perfection. You’re a human, not a robot.

I would like to note that on the other thread you said you don’t know how to journal, while here you said you spent 2 hours journaling yesterday. On the other thread you’re questioning whether therapy would help you, while here you said you’d probably try therapy next month.

Please be honest, Addy/SereneWolf/Saiyan – mostly with yourself. If you don’t like the idea of therapy, because you believe you’d be judged, because you’re surrounded with people who believe that “only crazy and mentally unstable people need psychotherapy” – well, you can say this. I won’t judge you if you’re uncomfortable going to therapy. In fact, it’s good to know that you would probably feel judged by your parents and you don’t want that. So, fear of their judgment is present in you. Okay, notice it, admit it, write it down. There is more chance to resolve it if you first admit it to yourself.

I did start spending time with my neighbor’s little kid. and oh boy It’s really fun. and funny enough I do feel kinda caring father towards him. I’m teaching him how to ride a bicycle and it did give me water in the corner of my eyes time to time.
So does that counts?

Nice to hear that! If you approach him with lots of love and patience, not scolding him for not getting it right immediately, then yes, it can be a wonderful experience for you – to experience how it is to have a loving, patient, empathic father, rather than a strict, angry and judgmental one. So yes, I think it’s helping your inner child too!

I am glad you’ve watched both videos by Dr. Henry Cloud, and that you like the concept that anger is a signal, not a solution.

As for empathy, you said:

Important thing I realized that it makes them think you’re on their side and it builds trust and how much important communication style is… And also think how would I feel?

Well, in fact, empathy is when you don’t pretend that you understand the other person’s point of view, but that you truly try to understand it and put yourself in their shoes. The way you phrased it (it makes them think you’re on their side) can be interpreted as if you’re not really on their side, but only pretend to be, so you can build trust. Just wanted to clarify this – in case there was a misunderstanding.