Dear SereneWolf,

Yes I totally agree I like the style, he always try to explain things with simple examples without making it too complex. So for a creating boundaries video he gave an example like suppose boundary is like.. it’s your own property so try to have a good neighbourhood first (Being around with good supportive and loving people) which also connects the dot for critical voice video

Yes, definitely. It’s important whom we surround ourselves with. But also, if sometimes we can’t avoid dealing with nasty or demanding people – to have boundaries to protect ourselves from them.

Neighbours can’t tell what colour my house should be

Yes! No one should be able to control how you live your life…

and the really good thing I’m noticing these days because I’m mindful about empathy is that they’re more open with me as well so I do feel better connected with them. So I’m really grateful having good friends.

Nice! Are some of those female friends also your work colleagues?

Okay so for this I do struggle with that. Most of the time I say Yes and then get anxious as well. And I do feel like I shouldn’t disappoint my bosses or my team members but it’s like a dilemma If I’m saying Lot of YES means in some way I’m disappoint my team members because of more work and also the pressure (Which I feel too) and If I say NO even though sometimes it’s okay I overthink about it like I shouldn’t have said No to Him/her. Because it’s my work and I shouldn’t say No.

And  sometimes I don’t even listen the whole thing and be like “Don’t worry, consider it done.”

Alright, so it seems you’re really anxious about saying No to your bosses. Sometimes you don’t even listen till the end about what the task is – you accept it without consideration. Even if it may not be feasible and your team won’t be able to deliver it, or it will require an unacceptable amount of work and stress on their part to complete the task.

What are you afraid would happen if you say No? (not rudely of course, but politely – if you explained why your teams needs more time, or why is something not such a good idea). Are you afraid you would get fired? Or that the boss would lose his respect for you (because you would seem weak and incompetent)? Or something else?

And now the thing is that there are new team members comes in my team too they would know only how to water the plant but when they understand and be adaptive and understand so even just little things that they understands they deserve appreciation.

Okay, I think I understand: so the praise would be mostly for the newcomers who learn fast and show a proactive attitude, and do more than is expected of them, right? It’s a good idea to give them praise and appreciation, however I don’t think that other team members should be obliged to do the praising, but only you, as the team leader. (You said “if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note“.)

Because I think it’s a bit like parenting – you don’t force other siblings to praise their younger brother or sister. It’s the responsibility of the parents. Because if you force other siblings to do it, they might start feeling jealous and resentful towards their younger sibling. So it might backfire and not be good for the team spirit. But if you, as the team leader, praise the newcomer, and also praise everyone who is doing their best – I think that’s useful and productive.

At least that’s how I see it… tell me if you see it differently?

Well I that’s really awesome that you have this much of self-awareness. I’m also working on my compassion part.

Many many years of working on myself did make me pretty self-aware, yes… but it was a long process, definitely not something that happened over night.

I am glad you’re working on your empathy and becoming more self-aware as well…

And thank you for offering help with my anxiety. It’s manageable, so I am fine at the moment, but I appreciate your offer!