Dear SereneWolf,

I’ve just peaked into “Leaders eat last” – I think it’s worth buying, it’s pretty cool from what I see in the first few pages. BTW it seems that the title of the book was inspired by the practice in the US Marines: that when they serve a meal, the novices get it first, and then those higher in rank. I find it pretty cool…

Yes but I’ll have to think how to create boundaries with my family.

I have to smile here – it’s interesting how me mentioning “nasty or demanding people” made you mention your parents 🙂 That’s the truth about them, or at least it was in the past, wasn’t it?

I’m already not living with them, and it’s been they aren’t interfering (which I prefer) They are supportive when I say I want to do this, I want to do that. They be like do what you think is right just go on wrong/dishonest way (because they are sure I wouldn’t)

That’s good! If they’re not interfering, and they honestly tell you to do what you deem is best – great! Though you did say a while ago that they still sometimes compare you with other young people in your place of origin, but that they are mostly pleased with the line of work you’re in, right?

Yet I still like they do treat me like a kid as well? and I talked this about my friend, and she said No matter what age are you, You’ll always be the kid of your parents so they’re going to be overprotective about some things…

Well, parents will always see their children as children. But the question is: do they respect you, do they think well of you, and maybe most importantly, do they have faith in you? Or they look down on you, are disappointed in you and your life choices, think you’re not doing well enough, etc etc…. Also, if you don’t choose the field they deem respectable or profitable, are they disappointed in you, or they respect your career choice?

Henry Cloud (of course! 🙂 ) has a lot of videos on how to set boundaries with parents. One of those is “Honoring your parents vs obeying abusers“, where he explains how we can honor our parents, and still not tolerate abuse, control or disrespect.

He mentions the Bible in this one a lot, because the caller is Christian, but what he says applies to everybody. One interesting thing he mentions at the end is a Bible verse that goes something like “when we were children, we were under guardians and managers”. Those “guardians and managers” were our parents. But that’s only while we were children. As adults, our parents don’t have (or shouldn’t have) the role of our guardians and managers – we as adults are responsible for managing our lives. So it’s clear that the role of parents changes, and it’s only natural that it should change, once we grow up.

I think maybe for this. Because I feel like It would hurt the image that I created at workplace. Because I think respect is something you have to earn so…

Definitely… but what does it mean for you to be worthy of respect? Does it mean to say Yes to everything requested of you, indiscriminately? And then maybe fail to deliver? To me, I prefer integrity. For example, if the persons says they’ll do something, they’ll do it. But they don’t just agree to anything – they estimate what and how much they can deliver, and then they do it, as promised. You can count on those people. And another aspect of integrity is when the person has empathy for their subordinates – when they take their team into account. They don’t overpromise because they know it will hurt their team.

So to me, a person worthy of respect in a corporate setting would be someone who is 1) reliable and trust-worthy (and therefore, has their supervisor’s trust), and also 2) empathic and takes into consideration the well-being of his team (and therefore is respected and cherished by their team). So they are respected in both directions – both by those above them and by those beneath them on the ladder…. I don’t know, at least this is how I imagine a perfect boss would be 🙂

But for an experiment just today I said No for a small task because I wasn’t really interested in doing that. So I said No
But so far I’m feeling okay with that

Good for you! It’s always good to start small and practice on small things, of no big relevance. How did your boss (or the person you said No to) take it?

But I think I’m doing that because I want team members to feel closed to each other too. and mostly because guys wouldn’t show vulnerability. … There’s no must obligation but more like if they feel like it, they can do this as a friendly gesture. I just want to put this thing as naturally as possible

Alright if there’s no obligation. You can explain that you would like to create as much as possible of a positive, encouraging atmosphere for everyone on the team, specially for the new members. Maybe you can encourage the older members to be helpful to the novices, and you can also tell the novices that they can always talk to you if they have a problem with something – that you are there for them.

As for promoting vulnerability, I am thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea to enable your team members to give honest feedback (if you’re not already doing it) and voice their concerns, if they have any. I am not sure what is the company’s policy on that, but giving people the opportunity for feedback is super important. If they feel safe enough, they can speak up at a meeting, or if not, you can set up a box where they can throw in anonymous suggestions.

I’m also having meeting this week with People because I think some of the old members (experienced employees) who are working in their role quite well for years they should get kind of performance bonus + appreciative gift for sticking with the company. Since it’s already December
What do you think? Should I make any changes? 

For sure – it’s always good to give a bonus for those who deserve it. And what better time than this time of the year! 🙂 So yes, if the budget allows it, by all means do give them a bonus and show your appreciation for all their hard work!

Yes it’s not a overnight thing. I do have to remind this to my impatient self.

Yes, but it’s also good you’re already applying some of the concepts in practice, at your work place. I admire you for your expediency and initiative. Well done, SereneWolf!

Another thing I’m feeling anxious about like 2022 about to end. What significant things that I did or achieved. But I’m not able to see enough things

That’s probably the part of you who feels not good enough, worrying if you have achieved enough… Well for him, you’ll never be good enough… but I can tell you, as a non-biased bystander, that just in these past few months you’ve achieved many things, first in your self-awareness and willingness to challenge yourself and try new things… I mean, you’re scoring very high in learning soft skills 🙂 So give yourself some credit, give yourself a pat on the back – you’re doing great, just by this little that I am seeing!