Dear Tee,

How are you doing?
How are your exercises coming along?

I was little busy. Finally, I got a really good opportunity for a Management Position and I’m on interview stage so I’m hoping to get this position. Because It seems really impactful and I read content of VP, Seems like I can learn lot from her.

So, being motivated and driven: YES. But being like a drill sergeant to yourself: a big NO

Yes, you’re right and I’m working towards putting good silence on that drill sergeant.

Eg. Just few days ago I missed a meeting because I took a nap and I didn’t woke up on time. And was 5 minutes late. I guess he just logged off after 2-3 minutes. Client was furious and he said I don’t want to reschedule meeting because I didn’t attended meeting on time.
So for a minute that sergeant woke up and just started saying things… Look what you did? You’re lazy and blah blah… But I was mindful about it and I listened and took it like it’s good that I didn’t work with impatient client like this. Yes, there was my fault but sometimes it’s good in disguise. I did felt down for a bit that day but I think I took care of it well

Can she intuitively feel the energies?

No I mean she asked me lot of questions beforehand so..

A rigid layer around your heart could be the defense mechanism we’ve talked about: your fear of being emotionally hurt, and that’s why closing your heart and fearing intimacy. Because intimacy requires that we be vulnerable with the other person, that we show our weaknesses, but also that we admit how much we care about and depend on the other. That we admit that they can hurt us. That’s vulnerability.

If we fear being hurt, we’ll close our heart, and we won’t allow anyone to get near. But we’ll also stay alone… So vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s actually a precondition for intimacy and happiness.

Yes Exactly! And thanks for this great reminder! I think I will have to make some notes like this to remember every day that can help in changing my beliefs.

Yes, that’s also a good analogy. In my mind, this rigid layer around the heart is more like a metal shield – protects the heart from being hurt, but doesn’t let anything/anyone inside. In order to soften things up, you’d need to remove the shield at least partially…

Yes you’re right and I thought about it and I think the thing is that I know I’m sensitive. This could be my strength and my weakness. Both. But unconsciously I maybe still thinking more as a weakness and less as a strength. Means still there is some kind of fear.

So now the question is that in your opinion how do you know what are your fears or limiting beliefs? How do you address them?

Now thinking about your dynamic with girls, it could be that after the initial exuberance and vulnerability that you feel towards the girl (feeling very much in love, writing poems…), the fear comes up – the fear that you’ll be hurt. And so the shield goes up and you perhaps enter the drill sergeant mode, putting yourself in a superior position, trying to “improve” her… which helps you to feel less vulnerable. Because if you feel in charge and have the upper hand in the relationship, you feel she can’t hurt you as much?

I am just musing here…. let me know if any of this rings true?

Hmm I think I can’t disagree with this, but I can’t relate with this 100% either (In the present moment). Because as I’ve told you before I had kind of controlling behavior, so I did like having an upper hand most of the time. I always have to be the one who’s making “Right choices” even though sometimes it’s good only from my point of view. And maybe selfish as well?
And as in vulnerable I think yes because I guess I was running from the things I didn’t liked to talk about even though it was important but after my first relationship I’ve decided to clarify things honestly ASAP whatever that is..

Yet still there was times I wasn’t able to say things on their face like you’re doing this and it’s hurting me. I was just making sarcastic comment or neglecting on that and be like they should understand these “signals” and they will work on it. And when they haven’t changed their behavior patterns and did the same things over and over. I took it like they’re the ones not putting efforts (even though that they were somewhat aware of this) in this relationship only me who’s working for making it better. So I don’t want it and I’d just breakup.