Dear SereneWolf,

Yes the IMPRINT! That’s the thing I’m working on

Yes, and the imprint is carried by the inner child… that’s why it needs inner child healing.

Yes I can say that’s really similar what happened to me. But what do you think what stopped your father and my mother from protecting us?

Well, my father had his own emotional wounding related to his mother. I think he was trying to get love and validation from his emotionally distant mother. He repeated that in the relationship with his wife, i.e. my mother. So he always tried to “please” and “appease” my mother, and he never wanted conflict with her. It was important for him that my mother isn’t angry with him. That was his priority, not my well-being or even his own well-being. And so he stayed silent and endured what he shouldn’t have endured.

With your mother, there could have been also cultural factors at play, maybe that women shouldn’t object to their husbands? So perhaps that contributed to your mother staying silent?

I totally agree with you! I do feel like I’m missing deeper sense of self-worth. And recently quite a lot

I see… yes, if you’re missing a deeper sense of self-worth, it’s very likely related to that incessant criticism that you’ve heard from your father and grandfather….

Right! and that’s the reason why I also still have fear of commitment. It feels so scary.

Right… because the closest relationships for you were a source of stress and humiliation, not a source of encouragement and support. And also broader relationships weren’t too supportive either, because as you’ve said, it was all about rivalry and who is more accomplished, who makes more money etc. No wonder you didn’t want to show any vulnerability, or your true self.

But do you know what Henry Cloud’s definition of intimacy is? Intimacy = into me see.

We need to allow the other person to see us, to see into us, otherwise there can be no intimacy and no real relationship.

It could be that your inner child is still afraid to be seen, because he believes he’s not good enough, not worthy enough? But if you can truly believe that you’re good enough and have so many good qualities, and that you don’t need to be perfect (unlike your parents and grandparents told you!)… then you might allow another person to “see into you”. As we’ve talked about before, you don’t need to spill out all your deepest secrets on the first date, just maybe share one vulnerable thing and see how she reacts…

For spontaneity I don’t feel criticized. Because in my previous relationships I received lot of good compliments about it and I myself believe that without spontaneity relationships are much less fun..

I said it because you mentioned earlier that you fear they might judge you for your spontaneity:

I know I’m in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesn’t do like I turned into a kid when I’m with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that) And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand.

But it’s good if you feel you can be spontaneous and playful after all!

I want to get out from this fearsome repetitive cycle. So, I will date and experiment till I have the success.

Good! I guess you can now be more mindful while dating and observe yourself, and notice if the fear arises… which is already a big step!