Hi Adam,

I really believe that she was being genuine and wanted to better herself. To me it is disgusting if she used that as a cop out of a relationship.

Yeah, you did say you believed she was genuine and sincerely wanted to work on herself. Although if she refused therapy, while suffering from a severe mental health issue (one that requires medication) – I guess that was already a red flag. Maybe she was telling you that she wanted to work on herself, because that’s something you wanted to hear (since you were noticing her triggers etc). But she never agreed to go to therapy during those 9 months you were together.

And in fact, she did tell you she doesn’t like how you treated her at times:

She did tell me sometimes that I didn’t treat her how she wanted to be treated in certain moments.

So she did express that she was displeased with you. She wasn’t blaming herself all the time. Sometimes she was blaming you too. Even though she told you you were her best boyfriend, her rock etc. So there were signs she was unhappy with you, but you always managed to reassure her that you love her and that you weren’t mistreating her. As I already said, maybe she accepted your reassurance for a while, but soon enough, the next trigger came, and for her, the trigger was your “unloving” behavior. And then she would get offended again.

So even though you tried to give her reassurance, it doesn’t mean she really accepted it. And it doesn’t mean she really accepted that it is her who is too sensitive. Her wounded part believed it was you who was insensitive. And I think that’s what finally made her to leave.

we did split plenty of times

What was the reason of those previous splits, if I may ask? Was it similarly that she got upset with something you said or did, and she left?

My ex I met very quickly after she left her ex, maybe this solidifies it. It definitely will if she has someone new in the next couple weeks.

Yeah, for some people it’s very hard to be alone, because that triggers the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. So they need to find someone else as soon as possible…

I didn’t feel as of though I was walking on eggshells but my friend told me from his point of view it sounded very toxic.

Alright, so you didn’t feel like you were walking on eggshells around her. So perhaps you were honest with her and would always tell her when something about her bothered you (e.g. when she overreacted)?

What did your friend think was toxic about your relationship?

I definitely felt as if I was putting a lot of work in and I think she may have thought she was putting all the work in. I remember her briefly mentioned something like that once.

See, this is another proof that she saw your relationship differently than you: she thought she was putting in all the work, and you thought you were doing that. You thought she was too sensitive and that she realizes she is too sensitive, but she probably thought you were not sensitive enough and don’t love her enough.

When she said she was doing all the work, what do you think she meant?

To answer your question all my exes have had some form of anxiety or being prescribed to medication

Okay, that might be a pattern…

Past exes I did put in effort after breakups to reconcile, mainly due to the nature of breakups being my own doing.

So with your past exes, it was you who would break up and then try to reconcile. But with this girl, you never wanted to break up, you wanted to work things through no matter what. May I ask what made you break up in your past relationships, but then also want to go back?

You don’t need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable. I am just trying to understand better…