I think she could have been gaslighting me a little bit by saying what i wanted to hear. I just know she was so confused but again it did feel real. She did say she felt i mistreated her at times but again she would always take it back and apologize once things had calmed down. “You dont mistreat me, Im sorry for saying that I know you treat me well” things along those lines she would say. She did say she felt like she was too much for me at times and would want space, there were also times she said i needed space but that isn’t her call to make. However once she was grounded again she would always reassure me that everything was okay and she was overthinking etc.

I think she felt as if she shouldn’t have to be constantly reassured… but she honestly did because most the time it was the small things that triggered her, she couldn’t look at the bigger picture in life. Such as work, family, exercise and passion. The innocent comments or actions is generally what triggered her too feel unloved I think. These were always minor as I mentioned earlier, and always resolved. I can understand the triggering during sex may have genuinely affected her and might have made her rethink if I was the right person. She knew she was sensitive but and would probably put all that back onto me. This could be why she felt like a burden deep down too.

Okay ill try keep this short but there were 5 splits in 9 months! The first 3 were quite minor and we would be back together same day maybe two days maximum. When we first met we were both smoking weed, I think she said something like we were on different paths etc. and that is why she broke up with me. Maybe because I had trouble quitting at first and she was doing much better reducing her usage. I eventually made the change later on, we will come back to this in a moment. I do remember one time we were play fighting and I put my arm around her neck from behind although I honestly didn’t think I choked her like that. Next day she was very upset and broke off again and said I told you do never do that as it was the one thing she didn’t want. I explained it was an accident and we moved on, I said my apology and that it would never happen again. She did mention from memory once that she felt like her body was rejecting me which was odd. The fourth time was bad it was just after New Year and again I fell into my trap of smoking weed again, it was holidays so I found it harder. She said I had become distant etc. She said she had to Love and Leave me.

After many texts and silence about 4 days later we got back together and I said I am not smoking daily anymore because I realized it pushed her away. Looking back I wish I was more careful and thoughtful about my own conditions. I asked her to provide me with security and honesty in the relationship. So I quit smoking daily. I made the changes and I only smoke on the odd occasion ever since. I’m not sure if my smoking was a genuine reason for her breaking up with me in the past because now I wasn’t reliant on it and she was happy for me as she always said. However in the end she still left me for the fifth time.

No i was quite open about my feelings with her, told her about work, psych appointments, anxiety I was feeling at times. There was one time she wasn’t there for me when i was so anxious and thought she would leave again but she apologized and said she just couldn’t talk sometimes, so I would get left in the dark. It was many hours later she said this. I think i get that feeling of being unwanted as I have recently jumped into relationships, maybe a few months after each break up. But this one felt so real to me, so genuine and loving.

I think it was toxic just how we broke up so much, not the actual relationship. One thing I said to her is this is how you grow together and build the foundations of great companionship, working through the tough times and reconciling. To me there is always resolve or a solution and if you both are on the same page you continue to work towards bettering each other.

By putting in all the work I think she just meant that she was more emotionally invested and attached. I was very attached, I would explain to her I can be a bit oblivious and spacey in general, not that I was feeling down. Usually I am always smiling so she would notice when I wasn’t and ask what’s wrong and I would reply with nothing as i generally felt okay. There was only maybe two occasions where I was actually down and I eventually picked up on it myself and opened up. Nothing major in the end, just a typical rainy day.

So I have never broken up with a girl. My ex actually told me she had never been dumped either, always her doing the dumping, maybe its a control thing for her. My past break ups were me not actually being fully invested or ready for it in the end. I didn’t know what I wanted and I didn’t think they were the right girls for me. They were nice enough but my well-being was dragging me down as I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop. That is why I changed my habits over time with this girl because I knew I actually wanted her. When I first met her I wasn’t smoking, she actually got me back into it again.

I think in the end I wanted to go back because I wanted to give it a proper shot at the time. But now I think I was just slone and missing having someone. However I do feel different with this girl. I really do feel a lot of love for her and it is gut wrenching whats happened. All my friends are saying what she did deserves an explanation and you deserve an apology. I haven’t heard back from her yet, I don’t think she has received my poem or letter. When she does if I don’t get a reply genuine heartfelt reply explaining what she did within a few days to a week I will be sending her a quick message just saying I feel a bit disrespected and that she wasn’t honest, due to the dating app. But ill wait to see if I hear from her.