Hi Adam,

So if I got this right, when you met her, you were both smoking weed, but you were smoking more than her, i.e. you couldn’t stop, while she could (she was doing much better reducing her usage), and it seems it bothered her. She said “we are on different paths”, and she broke up with you. Your smoking was the reason for the first 3 breakups, if I understood right?

most the time it was the small things that triggered her, she couldn’t look at the bigger picture in life. Such as work, family, exercise and passion.

You said that the last time she was triggered, you were talking about those same topics (marriage, family, kids). What was it about it that she would get upset about? Maybe you wanted to settle down, and she didn’t? Or you told her she needs to find her passion, and she had trouble doing that?

I do remember one time we were play fighting and I put my arm around her neck from behind although I honestly didn’t think I choked her like that. Next day she was very upset and broke off again and said I told you do never do that as it was the one thing she didn’t want. I explained it was an accident and we moved on, I said my apology and that it would never happen again.

Right.. so does it mean it already happened before – that you were play fighting and you accidentally grabbed her where she didn’t want? But then it happened again and that’s when she broke it off? Or it only happened once?

The fourth time was bad it was just after New Year and again I fell into my trap of smoking weed again, it was holidays so I found it harder. She said I had become distant etc. She said she had to Love and Leave me.

Right.. well, that’s true that people who smoke tend to be less empathic because they are in their “feel-good” bubble. So I can imagine it hurt her when you were paying less attention to her. And I guess she needed you to be her emotional support at all times, so it wasn’t really a good deal for her.

After many texts and silence about 4 days later we got back together and I said I am not smoking daily anymore because I realized it pushed her away. Looking back I wish I was more careful and thoughtful about my own conditions. I asked her to provide me with security and honesty in the relationship. So I quit smoking daily. I made the changes and I only smoke on the odd occasion ever since.

Good for you! I am glad you made those changes…

I’m not sure if my smoking was a genuine reason for her breaking up with me in the past because now I wasn’t reliant on it and she was happy for me as she always said.

It could have been, because I think she needed you to emotionally regulate her. So if you were careless and emotionally distant, she didn’t like it. So your smoking could have been the reason she left you on those 3 occasions. But after the New Year’s, you said you stopped. However, other problems remained (like her being needy and oversensitive). And maybe the family/kids/”seeing the big picture” theme, which you seemed to have your differences about?

No i was quite open about my feelings with her, told her about work, psych appointments, anxiety I was feeling at times. There was one time she wasn’t there for me when i was so anxious and thought she would leave again but she apologized and said she just couldn’t talk sometimes, so I would get left in the dark. It was many hours later she said this.

It was good you were open about your own issues. So your dynamic wasn’t just you noticing her issues, trying to get her to work on them, while pretending you don’t have issues of your own… However, it seems she wasn’t able to support you when you were really anxious, since it was too much for her. I can understand that, because if she was an anxious and easily dysregulated person herself, she wouldn’t have the capacity to soothe you, to calm you down. I guess your anxiety only dysregulated her even more.

By putting in all the work I think she just meant that she was more emotionally invested and attached. I was very attached, I would explain to her I can be a bit oblivious and spacey in general, not that I was feeling down. Usually I am always smiling so she would notice when I wasn’t and ask what’s wrong and I would reply with nothing as i generally felt okay.

Well, smoking weed can make people oblivious and spacey. And as I said, it seems to me she needed someone to sort of “guard over” her all the time and give her emotional support (because she couldn’t regulate herself). And so when you were spaced out, she didn’t appreciate it.

Let me ask you: when you stopped smoking weed regularly, after the New Year’s, has your mood changed? Did you get more anxious and less “happy-go-lucky”? Because maybe that too was something she didn’t like?

They were nice enough but my well-being was dragging me down as I did feel like I was stepping on eggshells with them. They were not as laid back. I was smoking full time during them and it was a problem but I couldn’t stop.

Right… so since you were smoking all the time, it could be that you were careless and not empathetic enough with them, and they would complain about it. You thought they weren’t laid back enough, but it might have been actually you who was not considerate enough? Maybe you would leave when they were complaining, but then returned to give it another try, to try to be “more invested”?

That is why I changed my habits over time with this girl because I knew I actually wanted her.

Good! Because it seems smoking did affect your relationships quite a bit. Unfortunately, with this one, the problem was bigger, but still it’s great you managed to stop. Let it be not just for her, but for yourself too…