Hi Adam,

So from what you’re saying if she resists it then there wouldn’t be any point pursuing things with her again in the future?

Yes, because she would likely be the same person, which is like 2 personalities in one: some days bubbly and wanting you, other days withdrawn and pushing you away. If she doesn’t heal her trauma (and it won’t just happen spontaneously, without therapy), she will be the same person and she will be in and out of the relationship all the time. And that’s quite exhausting for you, I’d imagine.

I wonder if this pattern is familiar to you from your childhood perhaps? Being very attached to someone who wasn’t always present in your life, who was coming and going, or whose love wasn’t always reliable?

You don’t need to answer, if you don’t feel like…

This one felt like we were both clingy, she honestly seemed like she wanted it more but again it wasn’t always. I definitely got more attached and invested when she would say things like she knows I’m the one, so happy with you, want to be your wife one day and that she is so lucky to have me. I wanted to be attached for these reasons because I genuinely believed she wanted me as a lifelong partner.

Sure, we like to hear those things. It gives us hope for the person and hope for the future. But unfortunately it’s only one side of the coin… and you can’t build your life and future with someone who is flipping from one side to the other…

However I won’t know how to respond as she could reply with a million different things depending on where she is at and how her mood is at the time

Well, you’ll see what she says and decide based on that. If she ever writes back and you’re unsure how to respond, you can post here and I’ll give you my honest opinion.