Hi Adam,

I know I’m worthy of love but this isn’t it. I’ve wasted a lot of my own time and well-being on someone who is mentally unstable and full of conflicted thought and internal battles within themselves. I only wanted to help. Like a superhero trying to save someone.

Yes, you tried your best. And it’s not your fault that it didn’t succeed. Because it didn’t depend on you, but on her. Only she can save herself. You can help, but you can’t do the work (healing, processing, facing her “demons”) instead of her.

I think it could definitely be related to that since I do know what I put into the relationship but despite my effort it wasn’t enough. It is frightening that whatever I did it didn’t matter in the end or in the moment despite everything we shared.

Yes, your efforts were not enough to help her. But the thing is that when someone suffers from a deep emotional wound, it’s like a bottomless pit – it cannot be filled. No matter what you did, no matter how perfect your love was – it wasn’t enough for her. But it’s not your fault.

I am saying this because in situations like this, we tend to blame ourselves. “It is frightening that whatever I did it didn’t matter in the end” — we can easily interpret this as “I wasn’t good enough”. Because my best efforts didn’t change the person. Therefore, I conclude that “there must be something wrong with me.” This is how we think as children. We try our best to please our parents, to make them happy, and when that doesn’t work out, we blame ourselves. We believe it’s our fault.

So I just want to check: do you on some level believe it’s your fault that you couldn’t help her?

I feel like if you say all those things to people despite the challenges you try your hardest. Relationships are hard work and never perfect. I understand that there will be bad times but you must work through it and overcome those hurdles and grow together with the person, especially if you believe they are the one and someone you want to marry.

It’s a good, positive attitude that you have about relationships. To try to work through problems instead of giving up. And it works if two people are both committed to the relationship. But she couldn’t be committed, due to her trauma. I think a part of her didn’t feel safe in the relationship. Nothing to do with you, you did nothing bad. But the person can’t commit if a part of them wants to run away all the time. And I think that was the problem. She would first need to heal that wounded part – a part that wants to run away – before she can have a committed relationship with anyone.

Do you think I would be stupid to give her another chance?

As I said, if she believes she doesn’t need therapy (i.e. if she doesn’t want to “face her demons”), then I think giving her another chance would be a bad idea. But let’s wait till she replies. You don’t really know what she’s thinking and feeling at the moment… and if she is realizing anything. Give it some more time, both to her and to yourself.