Hey Tee,

I genuinely mean you’ve helped me a lot. You don’t have to answer but do you have a background in mental health study?

I think you are spot on there. I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down. I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought. Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.

I know I wasn’t bad to her, as you and Peggy said I was a loving and caring partner. I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible? Who knows, I think in her eyes someone else out there is but that’s probably her own illusion. If she does find someone else the same thing will happen, she will view everything through her lens of trauma as you said. Maybe not at first but eventually.

Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend. I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.

Glad that I am not crazy by doing that behavior. Both you and my psych reassured me that now. Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.

I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t. Either way I’m trying to move on because I understand she may be cold about it and not message me and I know I need to let go for now, I cant wait around. I believe for now she doesn’t see it working but I can only assume.

I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.

Thanks again Tee!