Hi Adam,

really glad I could help! I am not a mental health professional, but I do have some training in mental health topics and personal development. So I am not completely clueless when it comes to human psyche 🙂

I do feel completely rejected as a person, maybe that’s what leads me to thinking some of these negative thoughts about my own character despite knowing I am caring and loving deep down.

I’ve got to ask: is this feeling of being rejected as a person familiar to you? Has it happened before?

I am definitely feeling different about things today and I’m not under the illusion of I could’ve done things differently as much anymore, I pull myself up on it whenever I have that thought.

That’s great! It’s good to hear you can stop yourself from berating yourself and blaming yourself…

Her trauma and mental health is the reason too why she left in my eyes. I think everyone agrees.

Yes, you’re right, it’s definitely not your fault.

I don’t believe someone would be more worthy than me but maybe more compatible?

Well, maybe, who knows… But you don’t want to be with someone who is not compatible with you, do you? And besides, two dysfunctional people can be “compatible” to each other and stay for decades in an dysfunctional marriage, but it’s not really what you’re aiming for, right? Your relationship could have easily become dysfunctional, with her bouncing in and out, and you trying to reassure her all the time… but then it would be a codependent relationship, with you being codependent on her.

Maybe I am blaming myself a bit but it doesn’t feel like I am. However, I do know that I didn’t deserve it. I deserved someone who would stick by me and let me in too support them, even as a friend.

Well, not everyone can remain friends with their exes. So I don’t blame her if she can’t be friends with you (you still don’t know that, but let’s assume it turns out she can’t). So the fact that she can’t be friends with you – because too many emotions are involved – doesn’t mean that you are someone worthy of rejection. If you know what I mean? The fact that she can’t be friends with you doesn’t say anything about your character, your likeability or trustworthiness as a person. You are a great person, and a great friend, but maybe not for her, because she simply can’t be friends with her exes. Can you see that?

I am doing my best to cleanse myself of these “what ifs”.

Awesome! Accept that there was nothing more or different you could have done. You did your best.

Being the abandoned party sucks but I will grow so much from this experience. Whoever it is in the future I will be a lot more vigilant and hesitant, not saying I will completely put my walls up. I think they will go down eventually as I tend to let people in very easily, I’m an honest open person.

Yes, you’ll definitely grow from this experience and draw some lessons too. I think what you need to be aware of is your need to save people. You can’t save people with unresolved trauma, and if you try, you might end up in a dysfunctional relationship. And another lesson: the fact that you couldn’t save someone doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that there is something wrong with you.

I think the most difficult thing for me right now is because she is away, I am still in limbo. She may not know she received a letter and poem, unless her sister who was home when I dropped it off has told her. So its almost like I’m eagerly anticipating that she will get home and read the poem and reach out to me in someway. A part of me really hopes she does but a part of me also thinks maybe it’s best she doesn’t.

Right.. it seems you’d still like her to reach out, even as a friend. But keep in mind that she might not be able to stay friends with you, because too many emotions are involved. So don’t let that determine how you feel about yourself…

I think you’re points are fantastic, I think I am being harsh on myself and not kind enough. Not necessarily blaming me and feeling guilty for what happened.

Thanks! Yeah, you are being somewhat harsh on yourself. Try to accept that it’s not your fault and that you’re a great person, even if things with her didn’t end the way you wanted.