Dear Caroline,

For now I think I need a break, just I don’t know how to be strong enough and stop obsessing.

I get it, and I know how hard it can be. I think the obsession signalizes that there is a strong need in you, an unmet need, which you believe she can meet. That she can give you what you really need, fill a hole in you. Although she probably can’t, based on everything you’ve said about her. But in your mind, she is the “solution”, the means to fulfill that need, and this I think is what causes you to obsess about her.

And I found a letter, short letter I wrote to her, but probably never sent because I sent it to myself – saying how she always forgives and takes her back (her ex) but not me. That she’s not interested in getting to know me, talking to me, fixing things, she’s just angry, jealous and emotional every time I do something wrong and she just shuts me off. Even after saying that she loved me. And that she always says how fucked up I was.

I see… so you felt neglected by her, and also judged and criticized. She would get angry with you, she would put you down, she would blame you… and that’s the opposite of how you felt she was with her ex: compassionate and forgiving.

You needed her to be more understanding and compassionate with you. You needed her to show interest in how you are really feeling. You needed her to show that she cares and that she is sorry if she hurt you… But you received none of that, only anger and accusations, right?

She did not want to be with me because I did not have anything to offer. This ex girlfriend gave a place to live and a job, vacation in exotic countries etc. When she tried to move out (after she met me and fell in love with me) she was angry that everything is so expensive and she needs a comfortable life. I see it now how I could not give this to her, that’s why maybe she was in love but there was an issue.. and it was easy to reject me even though she had feelings for me.

Right.. so it seems she depended on her ex to provide for her: to give her a job and a place to live, and also to live a comfortable life. The ex payed for expensive vacations, and perhaps even financed and approved her drug use? When you earlier said that she lost her job – was it because of the breakup with her ex (if the ex was the one who gave her the job?)

It seems that comfortable life was very important for her, and she would have lost it, or did lose it, without her ex… and she was angry about it. She accused you of being selfish (for wanting to hear from her in that first month after you met), whereas she was the one who was selfish. Her comfortable life was more important to her than you.

She did not want to be with me because I did not have anything to offer.

You did have much to offer – you could have given her love. But it seems this wasn’t what she was looking for primarily. She was looking for a sponsor, as it seems to me. Sorry for being so blunt, but she doesn’t seem like a loving and caring person at all. Instead, she seems rather selfish. But somehow you believe it was your fault that you couldn’t give her what she wanted? Am I understanding this right?

I can tell you right away – it wasn’t your fault. It could have worked between you two, had her love been sincere and if she wanted to work for that love. But instead, she was accusing you and was angry with you, rather than swallowing the bitter pill and taking responsibility for her life (and her income).

I hope this is helping you at least a little to see that she wasn’t the dream come-true and the true love that you were/are longing for….