Hello Tee,

I feel better today, less thinking. I am hoping it won’t come back as bad as it was last week. After talking to you and processing it a bit I can see feel it changing for the better.

“in your mind, she is the “solution”, the means to fulfill that need, and this I think is what causes you to obsess about her.”

This is exactly how it felt. How it still feels but changing.

“She would get angry with you, she would put you down, she would blame you… and that’s the opposite of how you felt she was with her ex: compassionate and forgiving.”

She probably did not love her ex but she got a place and a job. I saw comment on her fb picture once, her ex commented: “you had longer hair and was fat when I took you in”. WHEN I TOOK YOU IN. It struck me at the time. I never saw her as someone who needs to be taken care of, sponsored. Someone who is independent wouldn’t feel comfortable reading something like this. Unless it’s true. I don’t know, I just remembered it now, when I read your response today.  (She was 16 when she moved out from family home, had no place to live and how I imagine this, she met this girl and she took her in. Gave her job. She had no education except for high school. ) When I met her she was 23-24 I think. Maybe it was a dream come true for her to have someone who took her on vacations etc.

“You needed her to show that she cares and that she is sorry if she hurt you… But you received none of that, only anger and accusations, right?”

Yes, she was very emotional (in a bad way like ending the conversation, not letting me talk). Even when she first told me she is falling in love with me she said that she…didn’t like this feeling. That we live in different cities etc. Overall it seemed like she..loved me but was also suffering because of this feeling. Out first fight was the day she was looking for a new place and was angry about the prices, and that she cannot afford it. I remember she was in a bad mood and I wanted to understand and be supportive but it was weird.. We were so in love and suddenly this bad mood. I told her “you haven’t been very nice to me today”  and she got mad. She told me it’s about me all of the time and that I was a fucked up person. I blamed myself because I know I have some issues. I thought she just saw me the way I was.

“The ex payed for expensive vacations, and perhaps even financed and approved her drug use?”

Yes, probably she gave her money for drugs. She didn’t earn that much to afford it that often, to afford clothes, new iphones etc. She had a lot of money.

When you earlier said that she lost her job – was it because of the breakup with her ex (if the ex was the one who gave her the job?

They both worked in the same place but the ex girlfriend was kind of her supervisor. And when she tried to hurt herself she did not go to work that day and something happened (they both lost jobs or had to leave. I don’t know the details. Probably her ex was not in a mental state to continue working there) I remember two days after this she wanted to come to my place but I was at the concert, I wasn’t in town. She sounded sad and hurt.. I couldn’t talk to her and later I was at the bus all night coming back. I just wasn’t available to talk to her and I was blaming myself that she needed me and I wasn’t there because of the stupid concert. Next day she stopped talking to me and chose to stay with her (called me selfish etc) probably because her ex had some other option of having the place to live. And there was no coming back since then, no coming back to fairy tale. It was then when I started dating other people and soon cheated.

“Her comfortable life was more important to her than you.” – my friend once told me the exact words back then. And now you are saying the same.

“She was looking for a sponsor, as it seems to me. Sorry for being so blunt, but she doesn’t seem like a loving and caring person at all. Instead, she seems rather selfish. But somehow you believe it was your fault that you couldn’t give her what she wanted? Am I understanding this right?”

Yes.

“I hope this is helping you at least a little to see that she wasn’t the dream come-true and the true love that you were/are longing for….”

It does. It does help.Thank you, Tee. I did not believe it could be fixed. I think my obsession was me feeling guilty and blaming myself for ruining the love of my life because of my fucked up personality and other issues. I can feel it is calming down a bit, I can focus more and not think about this as intense as I did last couple of days.