Hello Tee,

I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated. It’s obviously not true, not any of this.

Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim. I know she wanted to use me and chose a comfortable life. And I am OK with this. It had to be that way. There is no way it could have worked out between us. I know she thought very low of me..maybe liked me and was attracted to me but she had her own plan and needed someone very different from who I was.

it was actually her who was blaming you and making you believe that you are a f**d up personality and selfish. And since you had your own issues, you probably believed her and blamed yourself ever since?

Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

Your ex was young and vulnerable (and alone, not having anywhere to go) at the time. And this woman, I assume older than her, took her in and was not only her lover, but also her provider.

Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

Maybe because she appeared to be self-confident?

Yes, very much! She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

I guess drugs was her greatest “love”, unfortunately. When someone is addicted, they turn very selfish. And that’s what you too experienced from her: selfishness.

Tee, It’s amazing how you see things I could not see even when I was there! And you see them just by reading my brief memories. Some of the things you see, my friend already used to tell me but I did not believe and I couldn’t see it.

Yes I agree drugs were more important that I wanted to see. We never talked about this except when she wanted to talk me into it, very much. She even mocked how I resisted. She said I was silly, it’s not a big deal and I was acting like it’s going to hurt me or something, laughed at me. One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub. It broke my heart. I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

her primary concern was where to stay (understandably, considering her situation). And she immediately cut contact with you when you weren’t available that evening. But you didn’t even know she would be looking for you, right? She didn’t tell you something like “I don’t have anywhere to go, can I stay at your place for a couple of nights?”

That’s correct. We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality. I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

 She cut contact after that one night that you went to a concert and didn’t return her calls. That was enough for her to cut contact and move in with her ex. And call you selfish. Which means that at that point she was interested in you primarily as her care-taker, as the next person to rescue her. That was her primary need, not the need for your love.

That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

I think the greatest problem in the whole story is her drug use. It made her selfish and self-centered. As an addict, she couldn’t put you as a priority. I don’t know how severe her addiction was, but nevertheless, I think that was the biggest obstacle.

If she were sober, she would have probably treated you differently. And your relationship would have had a healthier start, as well as a chance to survive. But like this, not really…

So don’t blame yourself for “ruining the love of your life”, because you weren’t her No 1. It was drugs.

I see now it had to be a big problem because she had to do it in front of me, even twice during one night.

And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.