Dear Caroline,

Today I feel such a relief. Your posts gave me a lot of confidence. I think differently about myself, about her. I no longer feel like a victim.

I am so glad that you’re feeling better, that you’re seeing it more and more clearly and not blaming yourself anymore. Really happy for you!

I considered her out of my league back then. She was very pretty, had tattoos, piercings, looked..like a band singer or an actress. She seemed so cool to me. I was just a regular girl, maybe pretty but regular, basic. She was special. People looked at her when we were at the pub or in the cinema. She looked like someone famous. I think this is partly why I blamed myself for losing her. She seemed special. That’s why I couldn’t stop obsessing about her, I thought I lost someone very special contrary to other..”ordinary” people I knew/ dated.

Okay, so you felt ordinary and nothing special, and that’s why you were attracted to this “extraordinary” girl, who looked like a movie star or a singer. You felt she had something you didn’t possess (specialness, uniqueness), and that’s what drew you to her.

And I think you didn’t feel special because you were raised like that, your parents and you being put down by the other family members. And also your mother being ashamed of you, due to her own shame. So you felt like a nobody perhaps, whereas she looked special and “somebody”? And this was so magnetic for you…

Yes, She also told me how I was unfit..to life, to relationships. And that she knew I had some issues right from the start. She gave me very mixed signals, first and mostly that she was in love and I was beautiful, and I felt it.. but there was this other, dark side when she looked at me with regret. And sadness. That there is something wrong with me and it will not work. She saw me as someone she would have to take care of and that she could not “afford”…even though I did not take nor want her money, but I was still not capable enough for her..to take her in, to take care of her.

Yes, it seems she saw you unfit because indeed, you were not able to take her in and be her sponsor like her ex was. That’s why you were “unfit”, not because there was anything wrong with you. She was viewing you through that lens and you didn’t pass the “test.”

Her father left their family and her mother was busy with another child. There was no place for her in family home. She could only visit. And it was like that since she was 16. I don’t know where she lived when she was 16 but I assume she had to find someone who helped her and soon she met this ex girlfriend (and yes, she was older and she looked very independent and rich)

She clearly had a lot of trauma. It seems her own mother rejected her and thought of her as too much to “afford”. It kind of explains why she viewed everything through the money lens and how able someone was of taking care of her. Being rich and willing to take care of her was probably the sign of a “fit and desirable” partner in her own mind.

She looked so capable and independent. But she wasn’t in fact! She still lived with ex girlfriend and accepted her help. So she just looked independent to me because she had money and expensive stuff. I remember two times we slept in the hotel. We could meet at their place during the day when her ex wasn’t there but I couldn’t spend the night obviously (except for few times when this girl was out of town) and I payed for this hotel. I did not have that much money and was surprised she couldn’t pay even half. I think it was around this time that she knew why this is not going to work..

So she looked and behaved confidently, she wore provocative clothes and make-up, she had tatoos and piercings… Also, she was telling you how unfit you were, while probably sending a message that she is much better than you, more competent, more fit for life. She even laughed at you and ridiculed you for not wanting to try drugs. So she not only looked confident, but also behaved “confidently”, i.e. felt she was superior to you. And you believed her…

While in reality, she had no job, no place to live, and no money of her own… but still, she felt entitled to those things and blamed you for not being able to provide it to her. So there was a certain arrogance about her – she wasn’t willing to look at herself, but blamed others for her problems.

She had this male friend. He was older, had a car and money too. He drove her sometimes to meet me. He was into drugs too, maybe selling her this. Very mysterious guy. My friend once told me that maybe she was sleeping with him. He was for sure in love with her. I could not see it back then.

One time she told me she was selling it to someone. She wanted to make some money. She used to send me pictures when she dressed very provocative and went to a pub.

If she was heavily addicted (and she was, since you said she would use even twice during one night), everything is possible. It’s possible she even slept with people to get drugs. She was a slave to drugs, and this might mean anything, unfortunately.

I think she had a life of which I had no idea. I feel like kind of a loser right now..

Well, you wanted to believe in the fairy tale. You saw her as someone special, someone amazing and extraordinary – everything you thought you were not. That’s why you were blind to her dark side, to her drug problem and her behavior. Don’t blame yourself. We all have our blind spots. But it’s good you’re starting to see it now… and starting to free yourself from the “spell”…

We never talked about moving in together, it was always about her struggle with place but she never asked me directly. I never felt like she wanted to move in with me, lived with me because she loved me. I assume had I lived alone she would have wanted to move in with me. And I then could become…a convenient girlfriend. Someone easy to love, not “unfit”, not f**ed up personality.

Yes, she would have probably “loved” you if you could have provided for her…

I feel so bad thinking like this! Could she really be that..calculated?

Yes, because as I said, drugs ruled her life. And finding a sponsor was her way of getting what she needed: expensive drugs.

That’s exactly what happened. And I always thought how I messed up.. that this one night turned everything around. I could have been there for her, I could have picked up the phone because it was my moment, my chance to win her. And I blew it. It’s obviously so stupid, relationships don’t work that way.

Yes, you thought that one mistake of yours ruined your fairy tale. When in reality, the fairy tale never existed. And you’re right, relationship don’t work that way. We can repair things, we can apologize and repair the damage. But for her, that one missed phone call was enough. But the thing is that she’d probably decided before that you’re not good enough for her, because you didn’t meet her criteria. So you not picking up the phone was just the “last drop” for her. She’d already made up her mind…

And I thought me cheating was the reason we broke up. She texted me, one of the last times we spoke, that her friend told her I slept with some girl, the one I went to the movies once. But it’s all I did, I went to the movies. His friend didn’t even know me, I really didn’t understand. She texted me that she believes this friend, that I did in fact sleep with this girl. It was so..I just gave up at that point, I understood I cannot communicate with her, I cannot defend myself when some person who never saw me in person tell her lies. I did not stand a chance there. But I was heartbroken.

It’s good that you saw it’s futile to try to prove things to her. And that you cut things off. I think her accusing you of cheating with no evidence whatsoever was just an excuse to break up with you. Because she’d already decided she won’t be able to get from you what she needs.

But I was heartbroken. I cannot count how much time has passed until I stopped thinking. Or maybe I never did, I sometimes forgot and it came back again and again, and here I am now, after 8 years, obsessing about her.

I can imagine it was very painful. The person whom you thought was the love of your life didn’t even want to believe you for a second. She thought so poorly of you. And was blaming you.

I am glad you’re now realizing it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you cheated that you broke up, but because of her drug addiction (and her selfishness due to that addiction). You weren’t unfit for life and relationships, but she was. But you took the blame, you believed her when she said there was something wrong with you, because of your own low self-esteem. I am so glad you’re waking up to the truth now!

I am sorry if this is too much but I really needed this. It broke me. I needed to be free from this finally.

It’s not too much at all. I am glad to be here for you and help you find some relief…