Hello Tee,

I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.

Okay, so you felt ordinary and nothing special, and that’s why you were attracted to this “extraordinary” girl, who looked like a movie star or a singer. You felt she had something you didn’t possess (specialness, uniqueness), and that’s what drew you to her.

And I think you didn’t feel special because you were raised like that, your parents and you being put down by the other family members. And also your mother being ashamed of you, due to her own shame. So you felt like a nobody perhaps, whereas she looked special and “somebody”? And this was so magnetic for you…

That is correct. I did feel like no one special..

She clearly had a lot of trauma. It seems her own mother rejected her and thought of her as too much to “afford”. It kind of explains why she viewed everything through the money lens and how able someone was of taking care of her. Being rich and willing to take care of her was probably the sign of a “fit and desirable” partner in her own mind.

I never cared about money, at least not back then. My parents were supporting me plus I had a job and my own money (not much, I wasn’t rich, nor were my parents. But I could afford clothes, restaurants, etc). It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money. But I see it clearly now, you are absolutely right, Tee. I think I did not see it, although as I mentioned before – my friend had told me this already: “she just needed a sponsor”

While in reality, she had no job, no place to live, and no money of her own… but still, she felt entitled to those things and blamed you for not being able to provide it to her. So there was a certain arrogance about her – she wasn’t willing to look at herself, but blamed others for her problems.

I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.

If she was heavily addicted (and she was, since you said she would use even twice during one night), everything is possible. It’s possible she even slept with people to get drugs. She was a slave to drugs, and this might mean anything, unfortunately.

This is very sad but may be true.

Well, you wanted to believe in the fairy tale. You saw her as someone special, someone amazing and extraordinary – everything you thought you were not. That’s why you were blind to her dark side, to her drug problem and her behavior. Don’t blame yourself. We all have our blind spots. But it’s good you’re starting to see it now… and starting to free yourself from the “spell”…

Yes, it is such a relief.

But the thing is that she’d probably decided before that you’re not good enough for her, because you didn’t meet her criteria. So you not picking up the phone was just the “last drop” for her. She’d already made up her mind…

Tee, it’s crazy how you see this… I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this look… as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.

It’s good that you saw it’s futile to try to prove things to her. And that you cut things off. I think her accusing you of cheating with no evidence whatsoever was just an excuse to break up with you. Because she’d already decided she won’t be able to get from you what she needs.

Yes. I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasn’t accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldn’t she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs.  Or just an excuse…

I can imagine it was very painful. The person whom you thought was the love of your life didn’t even want to believe you for a second. She thought so poorly of you.

She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this. Someone once told me “I do not look for a perfect partner. I look for a relationship we can make perfect day by day” – and I agree. However perfect and uncanny she seemed..this relationship was bad. She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that weren’t even real.

I am glad you’re now realizing it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you cheated that you broke up, but because of her drug addiction (and her selfishness due to that addiction). You weren’t unfit for life and relationships, but she was. But you took the blame, you believed her when she said there was something wrong with you, because of your own low self-esteem. I am so glad you’re waking up to the truth now!

I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.