Dear Caroline,

I have been silent for the past week because I had to take a break from thinking about this topic. I noticed I thought about it less and less each day.

great! Are you still managing not to think about it too much?

It could be partly my fault that I could not see that she was struggling and worrying about her finances. And her only choice at that time was to find someone who could help her. Working and renting a place was expensive, the standard of living she was used to. But still, it does not justify the fact that she wanted to use people for money.

Yeah, and this standard of living involved drugs, expensive vacations and suchlike. It’s not that she was starving from hunger and you didn’t offer her a meal… It was a completely different situation. So don’t blame yourself for not agreeing to be her sponsor…

I was able to take care of myself, although I had family issues of my own.. but I had the luxury of living with my family, so better start, compared to her. And she was the one ridiculing me for being unfit to life, to relationships.

Yes, you had a better start, and maybe she was jealous in a way. Maybe she was thinking “it’s easy for her.” But she was also resentful and angry that you don’t want to or can’t be her sponsor. And I think that’s why she was telling you those offensive things and putting you down. I think it was a revenge for not giving her what she wanted: money/the lifestyle she wanted.

Tee, it’s crazy how you see this… I can also see how she had already made up her mind. Day by day, I knew it and I felt it, when I saw her looking at me with this look… as if she knew this was going to end soon because of me not being able to pass her test.

Yeah, I could kind of imagine what she was feeling, because you said she told you she was falling in love with you, but also that she didn’t like that feeling. She was also telling you how lacking and inadequate you were. So she had been distancing herself from you emotionally for a while, I guess since she’d realized that you won’t/can’t be her sponsor, and that, to put it bluntly, she has no use of you.

I did cheat on her earlier and even confessed it to her, but she wasn’t accusing me of it. And then she made up this story I cheated with some other girl I went to the movies with. It was ridiculous. If she wanted to fight about it, why wouldn’t she be mad about the one I really did cheat with. Instead she was talking about this other girl, the cheating that did not happen. I think it could be because of drugs. Or just an excuse…

Yeah that’s interesting that she didn’t blame you for the actual cheating, but did for an invented one. But perhaps it’s not so surprising if for her, the most important feature in a partner wasn’t faithfulness but the ability to provide. I guess if you were rich and willing to be her sponsor, she wouldn’t have been so upset about your cheating (she too was cheating, most probably). But like this, the most important feature was missing, so she needed an excuse to break up.

She did think very poorly of me. I think this is important here. Fairy tale could not be possible in a relationship like this… She saw some good in me, beauty, physical beauty mostly, but she also saw a lot of bad in me. Too much bad. Things that weren’t even real.

Yes, that’s the key – she didn’t really appreciate you. In her eyes you were “inadequate”, because she was looking at you mostly through the money lens. Okay, she liked your looks. But other than that, it doesn’t seem she appreciated you very much. So if you ask me, her interest in you came mostly from a superficial place, it wasn’t true love…

I am glad too, thank you Tee for explaining it too me. You stopped this madness that was going on in my head.

You are very welcome, Caroline. I am happy I could help, and that you found some peace and closure…