Last night I talked to my friend for over an hour.  I think she is still my friend but I am not really sure.  We still communicate quite frequently and it is usually positive, relaxed and friendly.  I was thinking it was 3 years since I last saw her but to my horror I worked out it was 4.  She wasn’t speaking to me for over year after the last break up but eventually reached out to tell me she had moved on and from there we began to communicate every few weeks by ‘phone and more frequently by text.  This is a pattern of behaviour that we have gone through several times.  After the first break up I didn’t see her for 10 years but we still communicated.  After 10 years, I was just beginning to get used to the idea of not seeing her and then we got back together as if we had never been apart.  Carried on where we left off.  There have been other extended break ups and reconciliations.  Needless to say our on again, off again history gives me hope that one day she will let me back into her life just a little more.  That would mean a lot to me and make me much happier but I don’t think it will happen.  I asked if I could see her one last time as I am trying to let go and move on.  Our long history is such that neither of us has been much good at doing that.  Many times over the last 4 years I have asked if we can meet and it has always been declined.  Eventually, I stopped asking as the rejections were painful.  I haven’t really understand why we can’t meet as we are still on good speaking terms and meeting as old friends seems to me like a perfectly natural thing to do.  Last night I asked again.  She said most definitely not which eventually turned into “I’ll have a think about it”.  Needless to say I live in hope that we will meet and that it can lead to some sort of closure for me but what I really want is to be her friend again.