Hi SereneWolf,

sorry for not replying earlier, I’ve been feeling slightly down due to my health.

So this defense mechanism is like still part of me or just something I’m using as a block for intimate relationships?

I think this defense mechanism (suppressing your emotions) is active both in your social interactions and in your intimate relationships. In social interactions, you mostly suppress anger and are trying to hide it, so that it doesn’t show. In your previous relationship (LDR) you were also trying to suppress anger at your girlfriend when she wouldn’t show up for a date, or when she wouldn’t follow your advice regarding a healthy lifestyle or similar. So you were suppressing your anger there too.

In this relationship you didn’t speak so much about getting angry, but it’s more like you didn’t show too much enthusiasm for her. You showed a certain detachment. So the emotion in this case was missing, rather than suppressed. I know a part of it is because you were still in the early phases of the relationship. But I think a part of your “coolness” is that you don’t actually allow yourself to get attached, because you’re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and that’s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

Thank a lot for your encouragement. I did learn things from you so thanks to you as well.

You’re welcome!

So yeah, I do like her vulnerability and honesty. But I think her older emotions are still strong. And to be honest I totally understand her dilemma as well but I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure about me. So, when she’ll come back I’ll tell her No. I’m not worried about ending this relationship. It’ll take few days but I’ll be alright.

I know you’re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? 🙂 However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave? Because originally you weren’t upset about it, you told her to decide what she wants. But now you’re changing your attitude…

Please don’t get me wrong – you have absolutely every right to say No to her. And indeed, if she is hesitating, it’s not a good sign. But just be honest with yourself and examine what the real reason for rejecting her is.

I’ll reply to your second post in a separate post…