Dear lorn,

i think that i have a horrible way to regulate my feelings, i sometimes laugh when im sad

i sometimes beleive that i have a belief inside that say “crying is for weak people”

i see life in an absurd way, i don’t think i respect it, nor do i respect my feelings… some feelings has no real purpose, they create “unnecessary suffering” and i think i just laugh when they appear.

It could be that your emotions were not validated when you were a child, or perhaps you were told that “crying is for weak people”. And so you don’t want to express sadness but you laugh instead. Because crying was not allowed, or you were ridiculed for it?

its connected to my early childhood where i was left alone when i was in pain,

There was no one to soothe your pain, and we as children desperately need to be soothed when we are in pain. That’s how we learn to later soothe our own pain, in adulthood.

Now you naturally want someone to soothe your pain. You do feel pain (even if you don’t allow yourself to cry), and you want to be soothed. And you’re craving for someone of the opposite sex to do it. So I guess a romantic interest, right?

That’s all very natural – we want our emotional needs to be met. If our parents weren’t able to meet our emotional needs, we as adults crave for a romantic partner to do it. You say your craving and desire is strong, you call it addiction (the desire is so strong i began to call it the addiction). That’s normal too – our longing for love and care is so strong, that it’s almost like an addiction.

i want someone to lessen the pain, why im not doing that ? how do i do that ?

I think you’d first need to acknowledge that you have legitimate emotional needs, which weren’t met in your childhood. Your need to be soothed when you are in pain is one such basic need. And it’s completely valid. You shouldn’t judge yourself for it. So allow yourself to feel pain, allow yourself to cry  – because crying is healing. It’s not just for weak people.

Also, do you have an option to attend therapy? I think having someone to serve as a good, compassionate parent figure, who will hear you out and mirror your feelings – is what you’d need. A good therapist can fulfill that role.