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Reply To: My depressed girlfriend left me

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Tee
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Hi Adam,

I wouldn’t say fatigue, more something I enjoyed back then, now it feels like it’s more of a distraction at times.

What were you daydreaming about? Having a partner? You don’t need to give me any details, I am just curious about the main theme of your daydreams.

I really did feel over the moon from everything she said, especially earlier on, I think that’s the feeling I’m chasing again and again with her. Before the last 2 break ups, which were the worst and longest, she was bringing up future, family marriage etc a lot more compared to after the break ups. I feel like I was gas lit.

Yes, it seems she wasn’t really sincere when she told you see shares your vision of the future. It could be that in the beginning she agreed with you, because she didn’t want to lose you. But my guess is that she wasn’t ready to settle down, she was still searching for herself, perhaps. She just enrolled college, you also said she wanted to travel (instead of seeking therapy) – this all seems like someone who is still in the process of seeking/discovering themselves.

In the beginning of our conversation, you said:

she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend etc and wanted me in her life so it is giving me expectations that she does want me as a lifelong partner only that she may not have been ready for it

It could be that she liked you being her protector and her “rock” while she was searching for herself, being a “free spirit”, making necklaces, collecting shells, having no job… it’s like she wanted you to be her perfect father, while she is playing in the sand, perhaps?

She wanted you in her life for playing that protector figure, however not for having adult expectations on her.

However, you interpreted her loving words as to mean that she is on board with your plan of getting married and having kids. Just take a look at this sentence again: “she said I was her best boyfriend, her rock, her best friend etc and wanted me in her life so it is giving me expectations that she does want me as a lifelong partner only that she may not have been ready for it.”

She might have loved you for being that rock and protector for her, but she might not have loved your expectations about the future. Not that there is anything wrong with those expectations (we talked about it: you have the right to expect certain things from a girl you want to marry). It’s just that she wasn’t the right girl to expect it from.

In the beginning she might have seemed like she is on board with your plan, because as I said, she didn’t want to lose you (because you were so good in the role of her protector). But as the time went by, she probably felt more and more resistance towards that plan and in general, towards you trying to nudge her to get her life in order. She didn’t like that part of you (the part who has adult expectations on her). She only liked the unconditionally loving protector father figure, who lets her “play in the sand” and has no expectations on her.

I am trying not to blame myself, I think I am just caring too much now about how she is and what she is doing. When she is obviously not caring about me so that puts it into perspective a bit. She actually mentioned last time that she blocked it all out but then it all hit her.

Well, you may care for her and have compassion for her. But she is not your daughter and you have no responsibility for her well-being. She’ll figure it out. She has her whole life in front of her to learn and heal, at her own pace. So don’t feel responsible for her feelings and her well-being. You tried to play that role, and it turned out badly. Now it’s time to let her go figure out her life on her own. Your task is to figure out your own life.

 As I said earlier she doesn’t care so that should be a good enough reason for me not too.

Well, maybe she would like to have you back in the role of “unconditionally loving protector who has no expectations on her”. But would you want to be in that role? Or you actually want an adult partner around whom you don’t need to walk on eggshells and who wants similar things that you want (settle down, marriage, family)?