Dear noname:

You are very welcome and thank you for.. being you!

(I will be adding the boldface feature to all the quotes in this post). Today, Nov 30, 2023, you wrote:  “While I have made significant improvements in my mental health, shame has been the most difficult thing to work with. Being in relationships triggers my shame the worst”.

I wanted to refresh my memory about the origin and nature of your individual shame, so I read through our communication in your various threads. Your first post on tiny buddha was in March 15, 2017 . I replied to you on that same day. You were then about to turn 25 (now 31).  You shared back then that growing up, your mother was very depressed and your father had anger issues. “Trying to keep my mom happy and my dad calm was a very exhausting task“.

Fast forward to today, “Everything feels exhausting… my stress levels are unsustainable. My goal is to be internally well no matter what my external circumstances may be. I have been slacking on my self-work, I don’t meditate, exercise, self-reflect, or socialize as much as i need to. I’m not giving up though! (Nov 30, 2023).

I want to look at what has been exhausting you so much as a child and through your 20s  and what new awareness (in addition to you hopefully resuming meditating, exercising and positive socializing) can possibly help your self reflection and lead to lower stress levels/ to be internally well.

What kept your stress levels high growing up, which naturally exhausted you, was what you wrote (quote above): trying to keep your mother happy and your father calm (while there was no one there to make it possible for you to be happy or calm).

You shared over time that while you were growing up, your mother was depressed and suicidal. Lots of drama. Problem is that in your 20s- while we communicated- your mother and father kept the drama going in your adult life, keeping your stress levels high and exhausting you:

“My depression is worsening.. life is suffocating me mainly due to my parents going through a divorce… lately I can talk no sense into her (your mother) and she is in constant crisis” (Sept 17, 2017).

“When i do see my mom a couple times a month its usually all about her problems, because she is going through a lot right now ” (July 9, 2018).

“I’m seriously considering not talking to my parents at all for good, I came home for Mother’s Day… and my mom became furious... Long story short my mom was threatening to drive the van into his house, and I grabbed her and wouldn’t let her get in the car, I told her to stop thinking about herself and think of me an my sister. She was very aggressive and rude towards me for trying to Deescalate the situation…  I was having a good week and started back on my path towards good mental health by meditating and journaling and exercise, then I come home for a day and I’m depressed all over again” (May 13, 2019).

“Whenever I see or talk to my parents all of the trauma and disappointment are re ignited in my spirit” (June 10, 2019)

“I went to my sister’s yesterday to some work on my car. While I was talking to my sister my mom continually interrupts… and interrupts yet again… My mom went off and screamed ‘you’re always so F***ing disrespectful!’ I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she just went upstairs to her room and stayed there the rest of the day…” (Feb 17, 2020).

“Me and my sister were downstairs in the kitchen thanksgiving day cooking food, my mom calls my sister from upstairs on the phone, crying hysterically with no explanation saying she wouldn’t be attending thanksgiving then rudely hung up on my sister” (Nov 29, 2021).

* On July 29, 2017, you wrote to me: “I talked to my mom this morning … She cried a little bit, but admitted that she knew this was true and regretted leaving me alone so much as a kid and not hugging or showing affection towards me and my sister, she said she looks back at pictures from my childhood and it’s clear to her how sad I was… After this conversation I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me…  it feels like I finally have the permission to stop blaming myself, and to really begin to love myself through empathy as you said. It finally feels like it’s not all my fault…  I was just a kid after all, and that kid is still part of me. I’ve got to be kinder towards that part of me, and not be angry with it for being in need”-

– Unfortunately, her apparent regret and admission of valid, true guilt was short lived,  or it was of no real substance (see Sept 2017- Nov 2021 quotes above).

Unfortunately, your sister- who lived (and maybe she still does) with your mother- has not been on your side and discouraged you from having no-contact with your mother so that you are no longer exposed to her drama: “My sister told me she believes I have mistreated my mother over the past few years as well. She doesn’t empathize very well with me” (March 10,2020), and “My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her” (March 26, 2020).

Next, I am adding a few quotes from what you shared over the years, also meant for your self-reflection:

“I have pretty much always struggled with perfectionism, it was the reason I was/am so hard on myself, I was a very well mannered child, excellent student, overachiever etc. I did this because I always thought if I could discipline myself it would make my parents life easier, which it ultimately did, they never had to spank me as a kid, or tell me something twice, but it caused me to be hypervigilant of any imperfection I had” (August 6, 2017)

“Feeling loved is such an abstract concept to me, that I’m not sure how to go about feeling it” (June 21, 2018).

“”It has been the hardest task in my life to have empathy for myself… Then comes the shame telling me I was never good enough with lots of evidence I’m support to this claim” (June 22, 2018).

“I still see my hopelessness as a defense mechanism because having hope leads to disappointment, so my learned baseline has become disappointed in advanced, making me pessimistic about relationships” (November 28, 2019).

“The thing I want the most I fear most” (November 22, 2021).

anita