Dear Dave:

A summary: in Jan 2023, you shared that you met your wife when you were in your early 20s, still living at home with your parents, had 2 children within 3 years of being married, and a 3rd unexpected child, eight years after the second. Back in Jan this year, at 40 or 41, with 2 pre-teens and a 3 year-old, the relationship with your wife was unhappy and you were sleeping on the sofa. She told you that the two of you are “just too different” and that she “feels trapped“. She complained that you are “lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative“.

On Feb 7, the two of you attended your 1st couples counseling session as “the last and final thing we can try before starting the official process of separation / divorce“. It was a good session and the morning after (you still sleeping on the sofa), she wanted to cuddle with you, and you felt somewhat optimistic. Shortly after, the two of you and the two older kids went on a short vacation to Amsterdam, and it felt very awkward between you and your wife.

On Feb 14, the two of you had your 2nd couple counseling session where your wife complained that you didn’t communicate well, that you lacked initiative, that you were “negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything“, and that you were “constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on“. You complained about the lack of intimacy, and you were “in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation“, not knowing if “she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways” (Feb 15).

Exactly 4 months later, on June 15, you posted a 4-month update: in early March, while still living in the same house with your wife, you stayed the night at a friend’s house following having had too much to drink, and you lied to your wife about where you stayed that night. She found out, and “coupled with the fact she thinks we have nothing in common, I never tell her what I want/don’t want and effectively behave like a 4th child in the house – this is all too much for her, and she wants to end the relationship“. Following that early March incident and confrontation, the two of you were “separated and living apart amicably, meaning I can come to the house and see my children including taking my daughter to bed 3 nights a week“.

On July 3rd, you shared that the two of you were “now selling the family home“, that you very much love your wife and wanted it to work out with her, but living with her, you felt that she was your superior: “I have been pretending that I am her equal when mentally I still feel inferior and I need to dig into that“. You believed at the time that “moving into my own place and setting up a separate life… I feel I will start to  work out more who I am and what I want…  I have to discover the real me…  to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for“, and you were concerned that once you realize your true self, you “may not want to go back into the relationship“.

You were about to start individual counseling at the time and “embrace a voyage of self discovery“.

Five months and a day later, today (Dec 4), you posted another update: a couple of months or so after moving out, the two of you “enjoyed some time in the bedroom, but it felt like that’s all it was, just a physical thing“.  The separation is now six months old, and the two of you “are still in a good place in terms of communication back and forth regarding everything including the children, which really helps. Nothing has really changed on the relationship front, we are still very amicable and text most days but very surface level and transactional… I am spending Xmas eve and day at my old house and we are going to sleep separately to be there together for the kids“.

You (now 41) still feel drawn to her but you don’t believe that there is a chance to reconnect with her, and you are ready to “go out on some dates and meet someone new! At the end of the day I could continue to wait around for her to change her mind which doesn’t seem likely or I can try and get myself back out there. Or am I making a mistake? I don’t know…“.

My input: I don’t think that it is a mistake for you to give up on your marriage and start dating again, as long as your highest priority is being an attentive, involved father to your three kids. It is clear to me, from what you have shared, that in your early 20s, still living with your parents, you were not ready to get married. You needed to live apart from your parents for the first time in your life and go back then on the “voyage of self discovery” that you are aiming at 20 years later.

It is not likely that you can embrace this journey of becoming the real, independent and mature you, if your relationship with your wife resumes because she has perceived you as “a 4th child in the house” for too long, a perception that is probably deeply embedded in her mind, and it will be in your way of embracing your self discovery journey.

Make sure that as you start dating, that you are aware of the possibility of dynamics in a new relationship that may resemble the dynamics of the old.  Keep your mind focused on being a good father and on being and becoming “the real me…  to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for” (your words on July 3rd). This objective is.. definitely not a mistake. I wish you well and hope to read from you again.

anita