Dear noname:

“How to FEEL love?” (summer, July 27, 2017), “Feeling loved is such an abstract concept to me, that I’m not sure how to go about feeling it” (summer, June 21, 2018)-

– Winter, December 4, 2023: it is 12:51 pm here (adjusted to the time I am submitting this post), no sun in the sky, none is expected for the rest of the day, a day that ends with complete darkness by 5 pm. The wind is strong. I want to take a walk, my usual 3.5 miles walk, and I am afraid of mountain lions who roam this area at dusk..  it already looks like dusk in the early afternoon. It looked like dusk since morning.

What is love? – is the title of a song with the lyrics: “What is love?/ Oh baby, don’t hurt me/ Don’t hurt me no more“-

– isn’t the answer right there: don’t-hurt-me-no-more?

Only you have to figure out who is hurting whom. When you react angrily to a person (your mother) who is hurting you, it is not disrespecting her, it’s about respecting you.

It’s not about getting even, it’s about a hurt child in a hurt adult having been wronged for too long. Isn’t it time to make things right?

I stopped all contact with my mother, something I never imagined doing.. for how could I have no contact with the number ONE in my life, the person without whom I couldn’t imagine being alive?

I imagine that she is dying as I am typing this, being that she is old and probably physically inactive. How much I desired to be close to her, to be LOVED by her, to take care of her, to be taken care by her, a desire never to be fulfilled. A voice in me is saying: maybe now she will love me…  I see myself as a little girl running to her, short black hair, slender little girl body, running to her: here I am! Here I am, mother, LOVE ME!

Never to happen. How do I know? I know because a woman who had no heart for a little girl running to her will have no love for a middle aged woman running.

The little girl running is the little boy running, isn’t it? Running: here I am, mother, LOVE ME!

“How to FEEL love?…Feeling loved is such an abstract concept to me, that I’m not sure how to go about feeling it“-

– Little girl running, little boy running, meeting mid-run, middle-aged girl saying to 30+ year old boy: stop running toward her, there is no love there. Turn your face/ your eyes- elsewhere and touch love: where it is, it’s always concrete. Where love exists, it’s always in the concrete form.

The above are thoughts in a dusky Monday afternoon. No sign of the sun.. and yet, the sun will be back, maybe tomorrow.. the wonders of life!

anita